Detox? Huh?

The electricity bill is down by another 60 Ringgit. He's been telling us for years - switch off lights and fans, switch off air-con when you leave the room. Turn the air con down to sleep mode when you go to sleep. He's been telling me for years and years. And I've been trying... but not really succeeding, sometimes I'd remember but every time he came out of his room, he'd still find fans and lights on. So I finally sat down with the kids and explained what we had to do - turn off every fan and light, everytime. We're going to sleep only half a night with aircon by setting the timers to switch it off at 4am. And we've improved slowly - too slowly. It's taken us 5 years to get the electricity bill under 400. At it's peak, it was 600.

Ex asks me: is what I want so bad, is it so pedantic. Is it so hard, that you can't do it. I don't know why I couldn't do it before. I am lost for words when answering this. There are no answers. It seems reasonable. Why does he have to fight so hard for something so small? He doesn't want the kids to shower together anymore. OK... I stopped that a few months ago, but he had to ask me two or three times for me to take notice. He feels like the invisible man, like what ever he thinks has no importance. He's fought with me for so long, on issues like this. Small, trivial things, like using coasters on the table, keeping the kitchen bench clear, keeping the water up so we always have some to drink, not putting tissues in with the washing and many, many more.

Now, he has nothing left to give. He has no patience for the kids. He is not the father he wants to be and he knows that's sad. He doesn't have any patience, for anyone. If I had thought that all my arguing would have led to this, I would have given it up long ago.

Tonight, after trying and failing again to help our daughter with her homework because she didn't want to do it his way, after trying to iron his shirts and having yet again, to deal with bits of tissue everywhere (because I hadn't got around to cleaning it up) and black crap coming out of the iron and having something else go wrong when all he wanted was a glass of water, he left us. He staying at the office, where he has set up a mattress if he gets tired during the day. He just couldn't take it anymore. Every time he sees the kids misbehave or fight to be right, he sees me and it floods him with the same emotions he had with me, all those years ago. In his own words, the straw on the camel's back broke a long time ago.

I watched him telling me all this, after he'd started to get his things together. I just stood there and looked at him, away from him, at the floor, wishing I could wipe all our years together away just so he'd have the energy to deal with the kids. He was almost crying, because he doesn't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix him and he knows how much he will lose. I don't know what to tell him anymore, because nothing I say ever makes it better. Nothing, ever. I must have apologised a million times over.

It's hard for him to start afresh with me when issues we fought about 15 years ago, are still things he has to fight for now. Small, trivial things. But if it's not lights and fans, it will be something else. 15 years ago, it was something else - shopping by going up and down each aisle and carrying a shopping list - which now, ironically, I can't do without. He feels like has been fighting the same stupid little battles for years and years and years. And now he has nothing left. Trapped in his room, he has had to cope by leaving. He never would have wanted it this way, I know that. He can't see why I couldn't change, why I just couldn't give him what he needed, such small things.

When he says it, it sounds so simple. If only I'd done this and that, we'd never be here. There are so many "if only's" in my life. Look at where we are because of me, because I couldn't give him those few things.

But it's not simple. There was always more too it than that. There had to be. I don't know what it was, but it couldn't have happened just because of these small, small things.

Last night I text'd him to ask if he could stay home this morning while I went for some exercise. I thought I was being considerate. He messaged me back and said Ok so, thinking I better show how grateful I was I sent one back saying thanks. I woke him up with the first text and then again with the second one. After that, he couldn't sleep for another two hours. Our timing together is terrible. When I messaged him about the electricity being down, thinking he'd be pleased, he was thinking, "why couldn't this have happened years ago, we're the only 4 person family with a bill of over 400 Ringgit." (me and my friends that is). This of course led to "why do I have to fight so hard for something so simple."

I'm so tired, I don't think I can make it through another year. Not like this. Not where every little movement counts. And it counts because it's part of such a huge ugly picture. I can't stand it where me being me, makes this household ex's enemy (his words).

My mantra for tonight, as I try to sleep - whatever happens it will be OK and it can't be just me.

Detox? What detox?

Loving the emptiness

Ex has been all day at the office for the last two days and really, it's remarkable how the atmosphere in the house during the day has changed - for me anyway. I'm not sure the kids have noticed that much, but I love that 'empty' feel. Knowing that what I do here doesn't impact negatively on someone else is hugely liberating. I can lie on the couch and watch tv (and he won't know), I can detox and feel shitty in peace (and he won't have to see the look on my face that broadcasts the fact that I'm not feeling well) and we can have whatever we want for lunch and I don't need to think about him because now he buys his own lunch.

I don't have to see him sleeping (or know that he's sleeping) and pretend to be OK with it, especially when it's a 4 hour nap. I mean (and I know I'm being judgemental), but, who does that? For someone who is supposed to be serious about getting his act together, a 4 hour nap doesn't seem to be the way to do that. To me, a nap this long says I can work whenever I want, if I want to or it can say "I'm just to depressed to work, leave me alone".

I do know though, how exhausting 'finding yourself' can be - the stress, anxiety and the despair can truly leave you whacked. You just want to sleep some, just to be rid of the stress - so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.

Anyway, I'm surprised at the difference this has made for me. Not that I'm leaping around the house doing things I didn't do before - no, the house is still a little messy, the table needs clearing but the dishes are done, the bench is clean and I'm less self conscious, which for me, is always a good thing.

Detox Day 2

Woke this morning at 5.00 to the sound of raindrops and luckily (or not) remembered that the shoes were still outside drying. So I high-tailed it out of bed, went outside and gathered them all up, just before it really started pouring. I wash the kids school shoes once a week because they get so black and sometimes, only when it's raining of course, I forget to take them in again.

So that's how my morning started. I actually got back to bed after this and just as I was getting comfortable, the alarm went off at 6 and I had to get up again. This did not help my aching head. No matter, I got the daughter off to school, the ex off to the office and came back and slept on the couch for a while. In fact, because of the headache, I spent most of the day on the couch, slumming it, watching movies, feeling very tired.

My diet was a little more practical today. Lots of water, still no coffee or white carbs, but I did have fruit and weetbix for breakfast, vegies and chicken for lunch, and meat and vegies for dinner. For snacks I had a hot milo without extra sugar and some cheese and crackers.

The metallic taste in my mouth has passed, but fatigue and a headache have set in. And, uch to my horror, I'm sweating even more than normal. This all over, even while you are sitting down kind of sweating is not pleasant and I am about to have my 3rd shower for the day. Oh yes, and I was irritable and had a horrible homework session with the kids because I just could not cope with them not doing it in a timely manner.

The best part of my day was when my lovely son, gave me lots of hugs and kisses and then told me "I just love you too much". Then he started giggling, really cute-like, with his hand over his mouth and when I asked him what was up he said "I don't know, I just love you"... and then started rubbing his eyes and I asked him if he was crying and he said yes, but I'm happy... cos I just love you too much. Of course, being the sop that I am, I got wet eyes too. It was a very sweet moment (or 5) and one I will remember for a very long time.

Later he said he wanted to do something else for me. I asked him what and he said I should lie on the couch and listen to some music through the headphones and he'll press the buttons for me and that would make me feel better. He's worth every moment I spend managing him and his quirkiness. Every. Single. One. He really lights up my day. I've just put him to bed but I'm waiting for him to come back again and tell me something else - itchy nose, sore foot, thirsty... I wonder which it will be tonight.

Anyhoo, time for bed again. Even though I'm not driving daughter to school tomorrow, I still want to get up with her and help her because she's so tired. Ex will be taking the car to get fixed - that funny sound that's still coming from the back is the differential (whatever that is) about to cark it, so ex is hopefully getting it fixed in the morning.

PS Ahhh, here's my son, just walked in: tonight it's "I can't sleep" at 11.39pm!

pSS 40 sleepless minutes later, he had a blood nose. He must have an instinct about these things.

Detox Day 1

Ouch. My head hurts.

The day started off pretty good actually, I didn't get hungry until late tonight. I ate very lightly - only natural foods, no coffee, no chocolate, 3 serves of fruit, nuts and sultanas for a snack, salad and an egg for lunch, an egg and some wholemeal crackers for dinner. I think that's about a third of what I'd normally eat. I took the detox powder, which is similar to a fibre supplement at breakfast and dinner and managed to keep it down. It's not delicious, as the people in the reviews claim - if they think it's delish, I have to wonder what else they are eating.

My mood was good, not cranky at all. In fact, I was probably a bit more gentle today with the kids because I was expecting to be cranky. I did feel tired towards the evening and opted not to cook, instead asking ex to get something for him and the kids for dinner. It smelled really nice, but I was strong and didn't indulge. My friend lived this way for about 4 or 5 months, while she lost weight on the Cohen's diet - no carbs, fat, sugar or dairy - only protein, fruit and veg. I don't know how she did it -and yes, she lost about 20 kilos.

I really want to see what happens to the allergy on my hands after I've detoxed. I'm hoping it will just gradually disappear, but we'll see. I only have this allergy here, in Malaysia. My hands itch and prickle and then look like I've gone over them with a grater. Everyone here has their own cure, but so far nothing has helped stop the attacks - except a strong steroid cream my sis-in-law gave me that she gets from Thailand for the same problem. My doctor says it's probably the water. My own opinion is that it's the stress manifesting itself physically. I used to think I was allergic to dish detergent, but now it's any cleaner that can set it off and sometimes, even if I haven't been cleaning, I'll still have an attack. So, here's hoping.

*

In other matters, ex's brother (the lawyer who lives locally) dropped by for a visit. He was actually picking up his youngest son who'd come over to our place to play with my kids. Ex doesn't talk to his brothers that much anymore. I guess they've tried to help him and it hasn't worked or ex has refused, so they've given up. The brother is a little worried about ex, saying that ex still had to find himself, find his niche in the world. He doesn't think having the office will help him but I get the sense that he doesn't really know what will. He talks a lot this guy. He's arrogant too and his son is even worse. They are not my favorite people but they are family and I know that if I got into any kind of trouble, I could call on him, so I'm always polite and try to listen to what he's saying.

Ex is enjoying his office. He's been there every day since he moved in and slept there on Saturday night after being called out for a drink and, having already taken xanax, found he was too out of it to drive home. I can't say anything, though I wish he'd be more careful. It's his life, his choice to make dumb decisions like that.

Anyway, my heads thumping, so I'm going to bed. Day 2 of detox coming up. I wonder if I'll be as strong as I was today.

Detox

For the first time ever, I'm going to do a detox program using a commercial product I bought from the pharmacy.

I'm going to feel unwell, tired, have a headache and go to the toilet a lot - or so they tell me.

I've been feeling tired for some time now, and just generally, I feel unhealthy. I've put on 5 kilos since I bragged about it sometime last year and my pants are getting tight. I often feel bloated and hungry even though I've just eaten. So I figure that I need to do something to help me break the carbs, sugar and coffee cycle that I'm sure has contributed to this feeling of unwellness.

I could do it by just cutting down and eating healthy things like fruit and veggies but I don't have the self discipline for that so I made myself spend RM159 for a weeks worth of a "specially formulated product containing lemon, probiotics and cleansing herbs" in the hope that it will motivate me to get off my fat arse and do something. I start tomorrow and finish next Saturday. The ad in the magazine says that this next 7 days will change my life. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I hope it does.

Here on the blog you unfortunate people will be able to read my rants and whinges as I keep a daily journal of what's happening (sans toilet details because that's just too much information, even for a private blog). I will log food eaten, emotions, physical symptoms and of course, any results that happen. Please note, I should not be held responsible for any shitty things I say here because you know, I'm not supposed to have coffee and these days, I get pretty shitty without my morning cuppa. I'm also dropping sugar and bread from my diet and I LOVE sugar and bread.

Hopefully by Saturday, I'll be writing about how bloody wonderful I'm feeling. We'll see. I'm generally skeptical about such products but I'm feeling a little desperate and this week ex gave me quite a bit of cash so I spent it on myself (and I took the kids to Malacca for a day and bought them a toy they didn't really need but loved to have!!). I'm also going to buy myself a stick blender so I can make pumpkin soup and not have to eat salad all week.

So wish me luck lovely friends. I shall report here tomorrow and every day after that and probably a few times more. I am also taking some time off teaching, so I'll have plenty of time to write. If I'm very toxic I'll be sick as a dog. If I'm not, I should sail through this week.

So, off to bed and here I go. :)

He's moved

So the day before yesterday, ex informs me that he has indeed found an office and he is there now, working in peace and quiet while we go about our daily lives.

The place he found is actually a great location, the first floor of a shop house, in a side street off the main road. Restaurants and coffee shops are close by and it's 5 minutes from the kids school. The plan is to drop him there in the mornings when I drive my girl to school and pick him up in the evenings after I pick up my son from his school session. In the meantime, I have the house to myself. I can go about my business without feeling guilty that my messiness and the sometimes fact that we leave on fans and lights after we've left the room will distract him.

But it is strange not having him here, after all it's been years since we've worked in different locations, even though I'm not technically working now. The feel is different. Perhaps the tension has gone and it's good not having to see him frown at whatever is stressing him out - or hum.
When something doesn't agree with him he starts up this inane humming to distract himself and it's usually a song that is completely lame and of course, it drives me crazy.

I think my son is relieved that he's got an office too. Ex was starting to come down on him really hard, getting him to do chores, study some extra Malay and not allowing him to whinge or cry (really hard for a sensitive 8 year old) and then giving him more work if he did. Now my boy can relax and concentrate on his homework or play or help me around the house without feeling the pressure of his father. Ex insists that our children must start to learn skills and while I agree, my method is much more gentle and I don't stress if they don't get it right. I just wait for the next time whereas ex will get them to do it over and that just makes the kids more uncooperative.

The other night I went out to teach followed by some supper with my friends. Half way through I got a phone call from my daughter who was crying so much I dropped everything and went back home to find her in tears with her school books wet. WTF? These were homework books that she was doing that night. It turned out that ex had scolded her for something and in the meantime, she had spilled a little bit of water on her books - but he didn't help her clean it up and she didn't know how to do it. She got so angry that she pushed the cup he was holding over onto his shirt and got him wet and then ran to hide in my room. He subsequently told her that he wouldn't help her now and she should ring me. He told me later that if he'd have had to deal with her he would have shouted at her and he didn't want to do that.

My kids don't like it when I go out just for this reason - he doesn't deal with their little problems and often expects them to do it themselves when they can't - or at least can't do it well. Ex thinks that daughter doesn't like to be at home without me because she told him that she thinks I won't come back, but I think it's more to do with issues like the above.

He has trouble dealing with the kids when they are naughty because... yes you got it, they remind him of ME and he feels like he's dealing with ME, so it's all about ME!

So the office is a very good idea, don't you think?

Sorry

I took down the last post because it referred to someone who may come along and read it and it felt like I was talking behind that person's back so I removed it. Sorry.