I feel like I should be doing something, but really, it's all done - most of it anyway, the rest can wait - my house is not a sparkling example worthy of a cleanaholic. It just that the washing machine and the ironing basket are empty - empty people, EMPTY (first time in years) - while the water jug, the pantry and the wardrobe are full of water, food and clean, ironed clothes - respectively mind, not together. I find that after dropping ex at work and daughter at school, I can come back and sleep til oh, 10-ish, then get up, potter around with a bit of housework, get son ready for school and think about the rest of the day, which is not really that taxing because I only have one student a day. Then I make dinner, get son from school, serve dinner and the nights are spent watching more tv - how many cop shows are there! Tuesdays are good because I get to go out at night after I've taught my English class and don't come home til after midnight - ex never calls me back now and I get home at whatever time I want to. I never give him a time that I'm going to be back now either, I just say I'm going to be out til late. What's not to love about my life, except that it's happening in the wrong country. Now, if I could just bring this life with me - sans ex and house, including all friends, restaurants and kids. It's already getting sad and scary to leave.
*
I finally took the plunge and went to the dentist - I've been avoiding it for about 5 years now, ever since we got here. After harping on about their teeth to my kids, I decided that I should behave like an adult, suck it up and get my arse to the dentist's chair. It didn't hurt and now I have sparkly healthy teeth. So glad I went just for the fact that I can now tell the kids that they should go. And it's so much cheaper here. I spent over an hour in the chair, had a major tooth refilled and had them cleaned in at least 3 different ways and the whole episode cost me about RM 130 - that about AUD50. And he's a good dentist. Not all of them are, admittedly and some of them are illegal. The guy ex used to see, who also messed up my son's teeth, is hopeless - not illegal, just a bad dentist. It really is necessary to ask around.
*
Son has been obsessed and moody lately. His current obsession is LEGO and Spongebob Squarepants (a cartoon on TV that he also has a lego set for). He talks about it constantly. He walks out of school and instead of saying hello mummy. immediately launches into what other spongbob lego sets he would like to have for his birthday or christmas. He knows the numbers of the different sets and how many pieces there are in each box. He makes up stories about them, watches little lego videos on youtube and takes apart and reassembles his own set again and again. And again. and again. And just when you think he must be sick of it, he does it again. Enough to drive me crazy. On the plus side, I do love his enthusiasm - the way he totally immerses himself in something.
Anyhoo, time for bed. So, so tired I can't think of a decent way to end this post.
Cheers
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Things that annoy me and other stuff.
For want of something better to write, I've decided to post about the things that annoy me, because this is my blog and it's where I get rid of the shit that goes around in my head.
- people on facebook. I don't actually like facebook. I keep an account to see what members of my family and some friends are doing with their time. For instance, I recently learned that a member of my extended family is now out of prison and back home. I am a mere spectator, as I don't play games and I don't update my status - well, very rarely anyway. I can't imagine my family being remotely interested in the trivialities of my life and the friends I've got on there don't message me or contact me in any way so really, what's the point (there are a few exceptions)? It just makes me think there's something wrong with me and I'm a hair's breadth away from deleting my profile altogether.
- I've annoyed someone in my family, I wish they'd talk to me about it. I didn't intentionally annoy them, but my mum tells me I have. I want them to ask me about the issue, ask for clarification rather than just assume I meant the worst and react badly. Geez, write me an email if you have a problem with me.
- ex, although we've gotten on well this week, is annoying me. I took my daughter for a swim tonight and left my son in the care of his dad. When I came home, ex was fast asleep in bed, door shut and my boy was playing quietly alone in his room. Ex didn't even tell our son that he was going to bed. When I left for swimming, he was dozing on the couch. I don't like it, I don't think it's good parenting or making the most of his time with his children. The kids are left to their own devices and while it seems safe enough, something about it just doesn't feel right. I'm probably being over sensitive.
- my stomach hurts. That will teach me to have coffee at 11pm. It was good though and probably is the reason I am still awake at 1am and able to have a whinge here.
- someone is not paying the bills on time - it's not me, cos I don't pay the bills here.. Yesterday telecom called and told me that the latest bill hasn't been paid and today we went swimming and I saw ex's name on the 'suspended members' list. After reading the list, we'd turned around to go home when the life guard invited us in and and let us swim anyway. We had a lovely swim after we got over knowing that we were actually not meant to be there.
- the drivers here are shitting me to no end. They are so inconsiderate. The way they park, their impatience on the road. I have to concentrate so hard when I drive, just to make sure that I am not going to hit or be hit by some idiot who thinks that the road is their own personal raceway. Drivers of Malaysia, do not park on the corner of the road - that's not a parking space for your use, it's a junction, used by drivers who are moving and actually need the room to make a safe fucking turn. The other day I got stuck in a traffic jam after a huge lorry tried to navigate the narrow road that goes past the school. Of course he got stuck, after all there are cars parked on either and all sides, waiting to pick up their children. The addition of the lorry into this mess made it impossible for anyone to get out. So one by one, we had to back out of the street we'd turned into (me and four or five other drivers behind me), just to be able to get home.
- I'm an idiot. I was carrying my drivers licence in my small purse which I take everywhere, after not carrying it for months and months and I've fucking lost the damn thing. I've obviously dropped it somewhere. My wonderful mother has informed vicroads and assures me that they will send out a replacement. Ex gave me a lecture about organizing my purse to which I replied with a terse, YES, you're right. He is, but I hate the lectures. They're not lectures really, just a little bit of 'practical advice', but I can't stand it because it makes me feel like a complete idiot and he tells me over and over again. Just because you know something, doesn't mean you'll never make a mistake about it.
*
Rants over, so now for Other stuff
AOF - you asked about Malaysian food in Melbourne. There used to be a restaurant in Mt Waverly called PJ's. It was in a shopping area, which also had the Novotel hotel nearby. (I think). It was a small intimate restaurant. They served wonderful Malaysian food - their butter calamari (butter sotong) was to die for, but I don't remember nasi lemak or cendol being on the menu.
I've met another blogger just like me. She is a Brit, living in America. The short simplified story is that her husband up and left her and their two boys after they'd moved to the States and now of course, she just wants to go home with her children and he is making it difficult. Bastard! I read her blog and it was like looking into a mirror. What she thought about herself, how she tried to repair their marriage, the emotional roller coaster she has been on, what her ex thinks of her - it's freakingly similar though she's a much better writer than I. http://somemothersdoaveem.blogspot.com/
After I left a comment on her blog, she emailed me and asked to read my blog and I happily said yes. Welcome to my little blog, Nicola, it's nice to have you aboard and I look forward to your comments, if you care to make any.
Cheers people.
- people on facebook. I don't actually like facebook. I keep an account to see what members of my family and some friends are doing with their time. For instance, I recently learned that a member of my extended family is now out of prison and back home. I am a mere spectator, as I don't play games and I don't update my status - well, very rarely anyway. I can't imagine my family being remotely interested in the trivialities of my life and the friends I've got on there don't message me or contact me in any way so really, what's the point (there are a few exceptions)? It just makes me think there's something wrong with me and I'm a hair's breadth away from deleting my profile altogether.
- I've annoyed someone in my family, I wish they'd talk to me about it. I didn't intentionally annoy them, but my mum tells me I have. I want them to ask me about the issue, ask for clarification rather than just assume I meant the worst and react badly. Geez, write me an email if you have a problem with me.
- ex, although we've gotten on well this week, is annoying me. I took my daughter for a swim tonight and left my son in the care of his dad. When I came home, ex was fast asleep in bed, door shut and my boy was playing quietly alone in his room. Ex didn't even tell our son that he was going to bed. When I left for swimming, he was dozing on the couch. I don't like it, I don't think it's good parenting or making the most of his time with his children. The kids are left to their own devices and while it seems safe enough, something about it just doesn't feel right. I'm probably being over sensitive.
- my stomach hurts. That will teach me to have coffee at 11pm. It was good though and probably is the reason I am still awake at 1am and able to have a whinge here.
- someone is not paying the bills on time - it's not me, cos I don't pay the bills here.. Yesterday telecom called and told me that the latest bill hasn't been paid and today we went swimming and I saw ex's name on the 'suspended members' list. After reading the list, we'd turned around to go home when the life guard invited us in and and let us swim anyway. We had a lovely swim after we got over knowing that we were actually not meant to be there.
- the drivers here are shitting me to no end. They are so inconsiderate. The way they park, their impatience on the road. I have to concentrate so hard when I drive, just to make sure that I am not going to hit or be hit by some idiot who thinks that the road is their own personal raceway. Drivers of Malaysia, do not park on the corner of the road - that's not a parking space for your use, it's a junction, used by drivers who are moving and actually need the room to make a safe fucking turn. The other day I got stuck in a traffic jam after a huge lorry tried to navigate the narrow road that goes past the school. Of course he got stuck, after all there are cars parked on either and all sides, waiting to pick up their children. The addition of the lorry into this mess made it impossible for anyone to get out. So one by one, we had to back out of the street we'd turned into (me and four or five other drivers behind me), just to be able to get home.
- I'm an idiot. I was carrying my drivers licence in my small purse which I take everywhere, after not carrying it for months and months and I've fucking lost the damn thing. I've obviously dropped it somewhere. My wonderful mother has informed vicroads and assures me that they will send out a replacement. Ex gave me a lecture about organizing my purse to which I replied with a terse, YES, you're right. He is, but I hate the lectures. They're not lectures really, just a little bit of 'practical advice', but I can't stand it because it makes me feel like a complete idiot and he tells me over and over again. Just because you know something, doesn't mean you'll never make a mistake about it.
*
Rants over, so now for Other stuff
AOF - you asked about Malaysian food in Melbourne. There used to be a restaurant in Mt Waverly called PJ's. It was in a shopping area, which also had the Novotel hotel nearby. (I think). It was a small intimate restaurant. They served wonderful Malaysian food - their butter calamari (butter sotong) was to die for, but I don't remember nasi lemak or cendol being on the menu.
I've met another blogger just like me. She is a Brit, living in America. The short simplified story is that her husband up and left her and their two boys after they'd moved to the States and now of course, she just wants to go home with her children and he is making it difficult. Bastard! I read her blog and it was like looking into a mirror. What she thought about herself, how she tried to repair their marriage, the emotional roller coaster she has been on, what her ex thinks of her - it's freakingly similar though she's a much better writer than I. http://somemothersdoaveem.blogspot.com/
After I left a comment on her blog, she emailed me and asked to read my blog and I happily said yes. Welcome to my little blog, Nicola, it's nice to have you aboard and I look forward to your comments, if you care to make any.
Cheers people.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Booked
Geez, I get so nervous when I book airline tickets, but I did manage to do it. We are booked to come home on the Monday 29th of November. I wanted to come earlier because I've got things I gotta do, but complying with ex's request that he have at least a full week to be able to take the kids on holidays meant that I had to concede a few days. See ex, I don't always get what I want and am quite happy to 'co-operate' with you and give you what you have asked for.
This time we are flying Qantas. The last time I flew with them it was great, but they've since had a number of 'incidents' in the air so there was a little bit of hesitation when I booked. They were the cheapest full service airline. I didn't want to go with a budget carrier, even for $400 less. I'd read some reviews online and Air Asia is not reliable, you can't contact them when you have a problem and a friend told me that on a flight to London, they ran out of drinking water. WTF??? I'm stressed booking with a proper airline - I can't imagine what I'd be like with a budget carrier with no service. No thanks, I am not emotionally equipped to deal with that kind of nightmare.
And booking with Qantas meant I didn't need to use my newly acquired Malaysian credit card. I'm sure my friends will be a bit relieved. I promised them I wouldn't use it if I didn't have to. But I must say, they were really great to get it for me in the first place. They really came through for me, which I was so grateful for. They are good friends and if they ever come to visit me in Australia, I'm going to show them a hell of a time. Good food, good coffee and good scenery.
So what else has been happening. Not that much to be honest. I'm reading up on the education issues here in Malaysia and it's just depressing. Everyone I talk to thinks this system is shit. Too much emphasis on exams, yet the authorities don't know how to change it - they're talking about changing it, but these conversations go on every ten years or so and they never come to an actual agreement. A lot of parents focus on the kids getting as many A's as possible. Starting next year, science and maths will no longer be taught in English at a secondary level - and all the secondary schools in my town are national schools. Also, after year 9, the kids get streamed according to the grades you get. One girl that I'm teaching has been streamed into science but would love to do language and arts instead - yet she has no option to do that until after she leaves high school. The government seem intent on alienating the students by forcing them to do subjects they don't want to do. One family I know is completely jumping ship when their girl reaches form 1 - they're going to send her to KL where she will attend a private Chinese college. Other families just have to bear it and the consequences - their kids will need to work extra hard to rise above the flawed grading system and the revers racism that gives most university places to the Malays. For people with money, there's no problem as you can send your child to a private international university and a few have campuses here. It will certainly be a gift to my children for them to be able to study in Australia. I know they can't wait.
My new little student, the one who can't talk is proving to be quite the challenge. I cannot get him to sign anything beyond 'want' - like 'want car' and though he's babbling in a more conversational way, the attempts to talk are just not there. So I'm switching tactics for now and working on his physical skills - crawling, developing his pincer grip using macaroni and play-dough, balancing activities and so forth. It's really quite fun. Sometimes I can't believe people pay me to do what I do, but there you go. I literally sit and play with him for an hour. I suppose they pay me to think of the activities and know what benefits will come out of what we do. And I am good at that - choosing toys to develop particular skills and using other toys in ways that some people wouldn't think of. Even ex thinks so. For this kid though, I'm really hoping to see some improvement soon. His behaviour with me is good now, but that has to generalise to his home situation for it to be of any benefit to him and his family. I'll keep you posted.
It's time for bed. Tomorrow is another day. I'm taking myself to the dentist (finally) and my daughter is coming with me. Ex is having trouble sleeping - he's needing more xanax now and I'm glad I don't have that problem. I can sleep most nights as long as I'm feeling secure and not thinking too much.
So, have a nice day tomorrow. I'll see if I can too.
This time we are flying Qantas. The last time I flew with them it was great, but they've since had a number of 'incidents' in the air so there was a little bit of hesitation when I booked. They were the cheapest full service airline. I didn't want to go with a budget carrier, even for $400 less. I'd read some reviews online and Air Asia is not reliable, you can't contact them when you have a problem and a friend told me that on a flight to London, they ran out of drinking water. WTF??? I'm stressed booking with a proper airline - I can't imagine what I'd be like with a budget carrier with no service. No thanks, I am not emotionally equipped to deal with that kind of nightmare.
And booking with Qantas meant I didn't need to use my newly acquired Malaysian credit card. I'm sure my friends will be a bit relieved. I promised them I wouldn't use it if I didn't have to. But I must say, they were really great to get it for me in the first place. They really came through for me, which I was so grateful for. They are good friends and if they ever come to visit me in Australia, I'm going to show them a hell of a time. Good food, good coffee and good scenery.
So what else has been happening. Not that much to be honest. I'm reading up on the education issues here in Malaysia and it's just depressing. Everyone I talk to thinks this system is shit. Too much emphasis on exams, yet the authorities don't know how to change it - they're talking about changing it, but these conversations go on every ten years or so and they never come to an actual agreement. A lot of parents focus on the kids getting as many A's as possible. Starting next year, science and maths will no longer be taught in English at a secondary level - and all the secondary schools in my town are national schools. Also, after year 9, the kids get streamed according to the grades you get. One girl that I'm teaching has been streamed into science but would love to do language and arts instead - yet she has no option to do that until after she leaves high school. The government seem intent on alienating the students by forcing them to do subjects they don't want to do. One family I know is completely jumping ship when their girl reaches form 1 - they're going to send her to KL where she will attend a private Chinese college. Other families just have to bear it and the consequences - their kids will need to work extra hard to rise above the flawed grading system and the revers racism that gives most university places to the Malays. For people with money, there's no problem as you can send your child to a private international university and a few have campuses here. It will certainly be a gift to my children for them to be able to study in Australia. I know they can't wait.
My new little student, the one who can't talk is proving to be quite the challenge. I cannot get him to sign anything beyond 'want' - like 'want car' and though he's babbling in a more conversational way, the attempts to talk are just not there. So I'm switching tactics for now and working on his physical skills - crawling, developing his pincer grip using macaroni and play-dough, balancing activities and so forth. It's really quite fun. Sometimes I can't believe people pay me to do what I do, but there you go. I literally sit and play with him for an hour. I suppose they pay me to think of the activities and know what benefits will come out of what we do. And I am good at that - choosing toys to develop particular skills and using other toys in ways that some people wouldn't think of. Even ex thinks so. For this kid though, I'm really hoping to see some improvement soon. His behaviour with me is good now, but that has to generalise to his home situation for it to be of any benefit to him and his family. I'll keep you posted.
It's time for bed. Tomorrow is another day. I'm taking myself to the dentist (finally) and my daughter is coming with me. Ex is having trouble sleeping - he's needing more xanax now and I'm glad I don't have that problem. I can sleep most nights as long as I'm feeling secure and not thinking too much.
So, have a nice day tomorrow. I'll see if I can too.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Will the real Adam Lambert stand up...
Mr Scorpio, you're getting on a bit now, so I'll forgive the last comment you made, what with the spelling error and all. You can't help it after all. So allow me to show you just who is distracting me and keeping me sane until that time where I get to come home.
In this video, he's performing in Sydney with the acoustic version of a song from his album.
In this video, he's performing in Sydney with the acoustic version of a song from his album.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Adam Lambert going international and some other stuff
Adam Lambert: I still adore this guy and can't get enough of him. I know it sounds crazy, but really, as I told my hero at http://adamlambertobsession.blogspot.com/ he makes me happy in a way the other man in my life never did. But that's fantasy for you.
Soooo, he's taking his GLAM NATION tour international, starting in September. If any of you hear a scrap of information about him coming to Melbourne to perform, PLEASE EMAIL ME and let me know. Seeing him in concert would be the experience of a life time, of that I am sure. In the US, the tickets to his concerts sell out in minutes, so I don't even really think I'd get a chance to go, but it's something I'd like to do for myself if it was possible.
I was just thinking of the things I am grateful for and one of those things is my computer, the internet and specifically YouTube. I don't know what I'd do to entertain myself on those times when I'm at home with not much to do. I watch Adam videos from his concerts and even though he's only a year into his career, he's done so much and he really can sing his face off. Over the top? Yes, sometimes but he also knows when to tone it down. Spectacular? Absolutely. I'm so glad for the distraction because it stops me from over-thinking things and he really is better than a dose of xanax. For me anyway. I know he's not for everyone and some of my friends think I'm nuts - but they went to see Cliff Richard in concert and he's 70! Better seeing the young and virile than the elderly! And we know what Cliff's going to do - just sing because really at that age, what else is there. Adam, on the other hand, can manage all sorts shenanigans on stage that makes my jaw drop and keeps me awake at night.
So, even though I will be looking, if you see of, hear of any information, I would love it you'd let me know.
*
I have a new student who started about 2 months ago and I can't work out his problem. He's not autistic though he displays a few autistic traits. He doesn't speak, at all. He does babble, use intonation, makes 'emotional' noises like gasping and 'uh oh' when he drops something. He has a sense of humour and with me, makes good eye contact. His physical motor skills are lagging and his coordination needs some work too. He can't sit still (he's been diagnosed as hyperactive). He likes to play and can use his imagination. He can use toy objects to role play real life skills but can't let me know when he needs the toilet. He's normal in so many ways, yet so delayed in others.
I can't work out why he can't talk, whether it's just a delay or whether it will be that he can't talk because that part of his brain doesn't work properly ie he has a specific language disability. He doesn't imitate or even seem to know that I want him to imitate what I'm saying and this is the process I need to start, but don't know how. I've read quite a bit on mutism in children but this kid doesn't match anything I've read. He has a voice, which he uses to babble but when it comes to words, nothing's there - just baby babble.
He's also got some behavioural issues, like having huge tantrums and injuring himself when he doesn't get his way. I'm thinking that because his family don't know how to manage this, it's come to the point where, at home, he just does what he wants and his family let him. In the first two sessions he tried scratching and kicking to get his way. I stopped him by just holding him firmly and saying no in an equally firm voice. He got the message after about 5 minutes and hasn't tried it since, so he's pretty intelligent in that way. I've taught him to ask for something by signing 'want' and now need to extend that by getting him to point at what it is he wants. This is taking him a little longer to learn.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see. He'll probably improve as he gets older, so patience is the key here.
*
I'm annoying ex again. Not on purpose, but I need to lay low for a bit as he gets through some stress - at least that's what I assume the problem to be. Little things are making him angry - at least they are little things to me. I'm not in the mood for his stress. I'm tired and so sick of being here.
*
My mum asked me about what I would miss here when I come home. For anyone reading this, you might think that I wouldn't miss anything, but that's not true. I'd miss my students and the families I've come to know. I'd miss my friends here. Warm mornings, cool evenings, the rain and the storms. Satay and teh tarik (sweet hot tea) and many of the delicious foods. But most of all (and my mum picked this one) I'd miss going for supper with my friends. Catching up over the latest good food find - soft shell crabs, teh tarik and satay, dim sum and Chinese tea, assam fish and coconut juice straight out of a coconut (just chop the top section off a young coconut and stick a straw in). And I think I'd miss my room. It's big and everything in it is mine, chosen by me, for me.
*
Ex is at the office today. I'm Grateful he doesn't have to be here to look at my face and see how depressed I'm feeling. Not depressed really, just a bit flat. The kids are watching tv and I don't care how long for, I just want to sleep and sleep some more. I'm glad they have each other. Maybe some dark chocolate will help.
Later.
Soooo, he's taking his GLAM NATION tour international, starting in September. If any of you hear a scrap of information about him coming to Melbourne to perform, PLEASE EMAIL ME and let me know. Seeing him in concert would be the experience of a life time, of that I am sure. In the US, the tickets to his concerts sell out in minutes, so I don't even really think I'd get a chance to go, but it's something I'd like to do for myself if it was possible.
I was just thinking of the things I am grateful for and one of those things is my computer, the internet and specifically YouTube. I don't know what I'd do to entertain myself on those times when I'm at home with not much to do. I watch Adam videos from his concerts and even though he's only a year into his career, he's done so much and he really can sing his face off. Over the top? Yes, sometimes but he also knows when to tone it down. Spectacular? Absolutely. I'm so glad for the distraction because it stops me from over-thinking things and he really is better than a dose of xanax. For me anyway. I know he's not for everyone and some of my friends think I'm nuts - but they went to see Cliff Richard in concert and he's 70! Better seeing the young and virile than the elderly! And we know what Cliff's going to do - just sing because really at that age, what else is there. Adam, on the other hand, can manage all sorts shenanigans on stage that makes my jaw drop and keeps me awake at night.
So, even though I will be looking, if you see of, hear of any information, I would love it you'd let me know.
*
I have a new student who started about 2 months ago and I can't work out his problem. He's not autistic though he displays a few autistic traits. He doesn't speak, at all. He does babble, use intonation, makes 'emotional' noises like gasping and 'uh oh' when he drops something. He has a sense of humour and with me, makes good eye contact. His physical motor skills are lagging and his coordination needs some work too. He can't sit still (he's been diagnosed as hyperactive). He likes to play and can use his imagination. He can use toy objects to role play real life skills but can't let me know when he needs the toilet. He's normal in so many ways, yet so delayed in others.
I can't work out why he can't talk, whether it's just a delay or whether it will be that he can't talk because that part of his brain doesn't work properly ie he has a specific language disability. He doesn't imitate or even seem to know that I want him to imitate what I'm saying and this is the process I need to start, but don't know how. I've read quite a bit on mutism in children but this kid doesn't match anything I've read. He has a voice, which he uses to babble but when it comes to words, nothing's there - just baby babble.
He's also got some behavioural issues, like having huge tantrums and injuring himself when he doesn't get his way. I'm thinking that because his family don't know how to manage this, it's come to the point where, at home, he just does what he wants and his family let him. In the first two sessions he tried scratching and kicking to get his way. I stopped him by just holding him firmly and saying no in an equally firm voice. He got the message after about 5 minutes and hasn't tried it since, so he's pretty intelligent in that way. I've taught him to ask for something by signing 'want' and now need to extend that by getting him to point at what it is he wants. This is taking him a little longer to learn.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see. He'll probably improve as he gets older, so patience is the key here.
*
I'm annoying ex again. Not on purpose, but I need to lay low for a bit as he gets through some stress - at least that's what I assume the problem to be. Little things are making him angry - at least they are little things to me. I'm not in the mood for his stress. I'm tired and so sick of being here.
*
My mum asked me about what I would miss here when I come home. For anyone reading this, you might think that I wouldn't miss anything, but that's not true. I'd miss my students and the families I've come to know. I'd miss my friends here. Warm mornings, cool evenings, the rain and the storms. Satay and teh tarik (sweet hot tea) and many of the delicious foods. But most of all (and my mum picked this one) I'd miss going for supper with my friends. Catching up over the latest good food find - soft shell crabs, teh tarik and satay, dim sum and Chinese tea, assam fish and coconut juice straight out of a coconut (just chop the top section off a young coconut and stick a straw in). And I think I'd miss my room. It's big and everything in it is mine, chosen by me, for me.
*
Ex is at the office today. I'm Grateful he doesn't have to be here to look at my face and see how depressed I'm feeling. Not depressed really, just a bit flat. The kids are watching tv and I don't care how long for, I just want to sleep and sleep some more. I'm glad they have each other. Maybe some dark chocolate will help.
Later.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The dinner and the weekend
The dinner that followed ex's 'meltdown' went quite well really. We met up at Pizza Hut where the food was very ordinary but the atmosphere on our table was warm and friendly. The kids did really well. They were happy and chatty and all smiley. We got there first as ex had told us that he was going to be late and that we should order first. I was a little relieved because it meant I could order first and he wouldn't know how long I'd taken (he always says I order too slowly), and I'd be able to settle the kids first.
He arrived about 15 minutes after we did, sat down, looking happy and it went well. I was the only one to spill food and trip up on the walk back to the car, but he laughed at that instead of getting embarrassed which he has and still does. He seemed more relaxed and it was pleasant.
Going out for a family dinner usually means I'm stressed to the eyeballs, making sure I've got everything and that the kids behave themselves - which, by my standards, they almost always do, but by his, well, little things stress him out. But this time I wasn't. Him admitting that he's still in a mess, showing his vulnerability, always makes me stronger. It sounds bad that when he's down, I'm up because the reverse is also true - when he's up, happy and strong, I'm weaker and, I have to admit, intimidated. He just over powers me but expects me to keep up with him. With things being as they are, I've found it hard to change this aspect of our relationship and it's one of the contributing reasons as to why we are no longer good together and haven't been for a long time.
*
Anyhoo, the weekend also saw me looking at ticket prices to go home at the end of the year. Air Asia, the budget airline here had a really good price - AUD 1580 for all three of us. That's a really good price, but then I read some online reviews and experiences from other people and I don't think I will risk it. If anything goes wrong, I won't be able to follow it up because their customer service is crap and I don't need that kind of stress on a long haul flight. I'll probably go QANTAS from Singapore, as they now have lower fares than Emirates. I'll just have to pray for a newish aircraft, as their older ones are not good. Last time I flew QANTAS, I had a fantastic flight but coming back, the queue to check in was two hours long. Ridiculous.
*
I haven't gotten my malaysian credit card yet. Hopefully I'll be able to get it. If not, I will book via my travel agent and just have to pay a higher fare. I think if mum hadn't been sick, I'd consider not coming back now, because I know I'm coming back next year. But I've committed myself and I know the break will be good for me and the kids.
The other thing that is going to impact my finances (which is why I need a really low fare back home) is that I want to buy a car in Melbourne this year. There are a few reasons for this: mum's little car has finally died and if I go back, a second car will give us all more flexibility. Also, I'm going to need it as soon as I get back anyway and having a second car available for mum and dad during the year will be good for them as well. Their current car is an old Audi that used to belong to us, but it desperately needs to be traded in for a zippy little Japanese number that is easy to drive and cheapish to fix. I only want to spend about 3 - 4K on a car, but not sure if that's even realistic. I haven't bought my own car for the longest time and I want a biggish Japanese sedan, like an older Camry
So I'm currently considering whether I can really afford both and have some spending money while I'm there. I have some savings at home, and a bit extra, thanks to Kevin (Rudd). To purchase a car (with insurance) of about 4K and buy tickets (2.5K) will wipe out the amount from the government. I will then have to use some of the kids savings for spending money which I don't really want to do, as that is our emergency fund (medical, last resort if ex can't get access to cash).
*
It's quiet, so quiet here now. It's cool and lovely. I went for a walk this morning with my Australian friend who will also be heading back this Summer. It's time now to get ready to do the school drop off, visit Nasom, come back, teach a class then go to Nasom again to meet someone or rather who wants to meet me (I don't know why). Then it's shopping and dinner and homework and sleep.
And then another day.
Thankyou for your hugs people. Hugs back to you.
He arrived about 15 minutes after we did, sat down, looking happy and it went well. I was the only one to spill food and trip up on the walk back to the car, but he laughed at that instead of getting embarrassed which he has and still does. He seemed more relaxed and it was pleasant.
Going out for a family dinner usually means I'm stressed to the eyeballs, making sure I've got everything and that the kids behave themselves - which, by my standards, they almost always do, but by his, well, little things stress him out. But this time I wasn't. Him admitting that he's still in a mess, showing his vulnerability, always makes me stronger. It sounds bad that when he's down, I'm up because the reverse is also true - when he's up, happy and strong, I'm weaker and, I have to admit, intimidated. He just over powers me but expects me to keep up with him. With things being as they are, I've found it hard to change this aspect of our relationship and it's one of the contributing reasons as to why we are no longer good together and haven't been for a long time.
*
Anyhoo, the weekend also saw me looking at ticket prices to go home at the end of the year. Air Asia, the budget airline here had a really good price - AUD 1580 for all three of us. That's a really good price, but then I read some online reviews and experiences from other people and I don't think I will risk it. If anything goes wrong, I won't be able to follow it up because their customer service is crap and I don't need that kind of stress on a long haul flight. I'll probably go QANTAS from Singapore, as they now have lower fares than Emirates. I'll just have to pray for a newish aircraft, as their older ones are not good. Last time I flew QANTAS, I had a fantastic flight but coming back, the queue to check in was two hours long. Ridiculous.
*
I haven't gotten my malaysian credit card yet. Hopefully I'll be able to get it. If not, I will book via my travel agent and just have to pay a higher fare. I think if mum hadn't been sick, I'd consider not coming back now, because I know I'm coming back next year. But I've committed myself and I know the break will be good for me and the kids.
The other thing that is going to impact my finances (which is why I need a really low fare back home) is that I want to buy a car in Melbourne this year. There are a few reasons for this: mum's little car has finally died and if I go back, a second car will give us all more flexibility. Also, I'm going to need it as soon as I get back anyway and having a second car available for mum and dad during the year will be good for them as well. Their current car is an old Audi that used to belong to us, but it desperately needs to be traded in for a zippy little Japanese number that is easy to drive and cheapish to fix. I only want to spend about 3 - 4K on a car, but not sure if that's even realistic. I haven't bought my own car for the longest time and I want a biggish Japanese sedan, like an older Camry
So I'm currently considering whether I can really afford both and have some spending money while I'm there. I have some savings at home, and a bit extra, thanks to Kevin (Rudd). To purchase a car (with insurance) of about 4K and buy tickets (2.5K) will wipe out the amount from the government. I will then have to use some of the kids savings for spending money which I don't really want to do, as that is our emergency fund (medical, last resort if ex can't get access to cash).
*
It's quiet, so quiet here now. It's cool and lovely. I went for a walk this morning with my Australian friend who will also be heading back this Summer. It's time now to get ready to do the school drop off, visit Nasom, come back, teach a class then go to Nasom again to meet someone or rather who wants to meet me (I don't know why). Then it's shopping and dinner and homework and sleep.
And then another day.
Thankyou for your hugs people. Hugs back to you.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
An apology
Not from me this time. A rare and genuine apology to me from ex for his behaviour the other night, when he left in a rather distressed state. I didn't melt down that night. Nor the next day. After I mulled it over a bit, I thought it's his stress, his problem, he needs to sort it out. I let him be and got on doing what needed to be done. I didn't contact him. I thought when he is ready, he'll be back or he'll contact me. I made my own plans, centred around my own commitments.
He was away for the one night only and when late afternoon rolled around the next day, I got a message from him saying he'd be back and did I want him to pick up the son. I said no, the kids were coming with me to my class. That was it. There was no arguing, meltdowns or anything of the sort. It was like nothing had happened. There was no use talking about it because he'd said everything he wanted to say and I understood where he was coming from.
This morning he got up early and came in to talk. I'd been up since 5.30 anyway so it wasn't like he was getting me out of bed. He told me he was sorry about the other night and that he realised it was his problem. He doesn't like being like this. He hates it when he gets angry at the kids, but sometimes he can't help it. Their misbehaviour reminds him in so many ways of when we were together. I don't necessarily agree with him, but that's his story and he can have it. I'm not going to argue over that. He realises he has no patience with them. I told him I understood (and I do, which is different I think, from agreeing with him) and that if he couldn't deal with the kids, then I would be there. I will step in, every time. If that meant calling me home to avert a meltdown, then so be it.
He still referred to me in the past in ways that another person might find hurtful, but I've heard it so many times, it doesn't hurt (that much) anymore. I'm really hard to live with he says and I came with minimal life skills. How much time did we waste, he went on, making up for my mistakes (lost keys, tissue in the washing, etc). Most people are getting on with their lives he said, and we're still stuck talking about how to keep the bench clean. He said given the choice now, he'd never do it again (be with someone like me). I feel sorry for him because if he cuts out all the "people like me" from his life, he's going to be very lonely. Not to mention the fact that his children are very much "people like me".
Issues aside, he said he realises he's a mess at the moment (not his words) and he needs to sort himself out. He's managed to let go of the hate and the anger, but there's still a lot of work to do on himself. He needs time to build himself up. He needs to get cash flow going. He needs to make this office thing work for him because it was a big step and an investment of sorts.
I told him he should take whatever time he needs. I will still be here. I will take care of the children and he can see them and interact with them when he feels able to cope. He said he'd help out by getting someone in to clean (which I don't want actually) and taking over when he can. Out of all this, I appreciated his honesty about what was happening and for once, I felt like I WASN'T responsible. These are his demons and he needs to deal with them. He's not very happy with himself at the moment, that I can tell. I'm glad he realises it because that means I don't feel like I should be saying something when I can't. He's been to see his mum too and I think he's talked to her. She's really good in a crisis, very supportive. I know she worries about him, because she knows that last time he was really depressed, he became suicidal (thoughts only, no actions).
Today he left for the office early and I've just had a phonecall from him. He asked us all to join him for dinner at Pizza Hut. I can see he's making an effort because he hates Pizza Hut, but he knows our son loves it. He spoke to me with more patience than I've heard for quite a while, asking me if I'd started cooking yet, whether I had any plans tonight - he never usually asks and often gets impatient when I talk to him.
So we're having a family dinner. I've told the kids they need to be on their best, happiest behaviour because their papa is a bit stressed and he needs us to make him feel good. I hope they can do it. I will let you know how it goes.
Cheers and thankyou lovely people, for being there for me.
He was away for the one night only and when late afternoon rolled around the next day, I got a message from him saying he'd be back and did I want him to pick up the son. I said no, the kids were coming with me to my class. That was it. There was no arguing, meltdowns or anything of the sort. It was like nothing had happened. There was no use talking about it because he'd said everything he wanted to say and I understood where he was coming from.
This morning he got up early and came in to talk. I'd been up since 5.30 anyway so it wasn't like he was getting me out of bed. He told me he was sorry about the other night and that he realised it was his problem. He doesn't like being like this. He hates it when he gets angry at the kids, but sometimes he can't help it. Their misbehaviour reminds him in so many ways of when we were together. I don't necessarily agree with him, but that's his story and he can have it. I'm not going to argue over that. He realises he has no patience with them. I told him I understood (and I do, which is different I think, from agreeing with him) and that if he couldn't deal with the kids, then I would be there. I will step in, every time. If that meant calling me home to avert a meltdown, then so be it.
He still referred to me in the past in ways that another person might find hurtful, but I've heard it so many times, it doesn't hurt (that much) anymore. I'm really hard to live with he says and I came with minimal life skills. How much time did we waste, he went on, making up for my mistakes (lost keys, tissue in the washing, etc). Most people are getting on with their lives he said, and we're still stuck talking about how to keep the bench clean. He said given the choice now, he'd never do it again (be with someone like me). I feel sorry for him because if he cuts out all the "people like me" from his life, he's going to be very lonely. Not to mention the fact that his children are very much "people like me".
Issues aside, he said he realises he's a mess at the moment (not his words) and he needs to sort himself out. He's managed to let go of the hate and the anger, but there's still a lot of work to do on himself. He needs time to build himself up. He needs to get cash flow going. He needs to make this office thing work for him because it was a big step and an investment of sorts.
I told him he should take whatever time he needs. I will still be here. I will take care of the children and he can see them and interact with them when he feels able to cope. He said he'd help out by getting someone in to clean (which I don't want actually) and taking over when he can. Out of all this, I appreciated his honesty about what was happening and for once, I felt like I WASN'T responsible. These are his demons and he needs to deal with them. He's not very happy with himself at the moment, that I can tell. I'm glad he realises it because that means I don't feel like I should be saying something when I can't. He's been to see his mum too and I think he's talked to her. She's really good in a crisis, very supportive. I know she worries about him, because she knows that last time he was really depressed, he became suicidal (thoughts only, no actions).
Today he left for the office early and I've just had a phonecall from him. He asked us all to join him for dinner at Pizza Hut. I can see he's making an effort because he hates Pizza Hut, but he knows our son loves it. He spoke to me with more patience than I've heard for quite a while, asking me if I'd started cooking yet, whether I had any plans tonight - he never usually asks and often gets impatient when I talk to him.
So we're having a family dinner. I've told the kids they need to be on their best, happiest behaviour because their papa is a bit stressed and he needs us to make him feel good. I hope they can do it. I will let you know how it goes.
Cheers and thankyou lovely people, for being there for me.
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