Meltdown trigger

I think the thing that frustrates me the most is the different view of our past that we had and still have. It's a non-resolvable issue, that I know. He sees our past a "blanket of misery" - the whole damn thing was miserable for him and seemingly, not one good thing has come of it - and it's my fault because he always had to fight for what he wanted. Of course, I don't remember it that way. For me, there are pockets of happiness for both of us and I've got the photos to prove it. We did a lot of good things together. I remember them. I was there too.

That's why I can't understand why it was all bad for him. How he can wipe off 18 years of his life with me and say 'it was a waste!'. Of all the things he's said to me, and many of them have been hurtful, this one hurts the most.

I want to scream at him "WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE THEN?" But he's loyal, dedicated and persistent when it comes to 'fixing' things (me) and sees this line of thinking as a huge betrayal on my part. Also, he thought being miserable with me was going to be his lot in life, that's why he never made a move to go. He just thought it was going to be like that. I find it difficult to believe, but there it is. He told me so. He had nothing, he said, just misery. I'll never forget the pained look on his face when he told me this.

Whenever I'm reminded of the above, it's a sure trigger for a meltdown, as it was this past week. The pain that comes with realising that he will never remember our good times is, at times, just too much. And I know I'm being indulgent here. I know that people go through so much more than this. But in my tiny world, the pain of this is hard to let go of. In my mind, I scream, I rage, I wonder, I cry and I'm full of anger and resentment. And the only thing for it is to let it go, because his perspective is never going to change. But letting go is damn hard.

The thing I'm grateful for is that I saved us from completely destroying ourselves, because that was the direction we were headed in. I knew it wasn't going to get any better, I knew we HAD to separate. I knew I would never survive another month longer in the situation we were in. So I used my strength to take the only path possible, the only thing we hadn't tried, even though it hurt like hell. I did it. We wouldn't be where we are today (very civil, functional family-type situation) if I'd never uttered those words "I want a separation". I know he probably sees it as taking the easy way out but it was really hard to stand up to him and say it and not be talked out of it. I stood my ground and for me, I know that I wouldn't have grown up the way I did if we'd stayed together.

(More self indulgent rubbish) I've done more growing in the past 2 years than in any other period of my adult life. I went from being a whiney, resistant 20 year old (at 40 chronological years), to being a grown up woman who knows what she wants, all in the space of about 2 years (post long stay in Aust, til now). Yep, I know I still have meltdowns. But now I know I'm having them and I know they are part of me and my life, and that my situation exacerbates them - but I've still grown up and I'm pretty comfortable with who I am now. And I know the journey doesn't end. I'll never be 'there', because there is no place to be.

I was afraid to do the growing up part, afraid of looking at myself and accepting that there were parts of me that I didn't like. I resisted the things ex said about me for so long, yet when I eventually did let go and started thinking and looking, I came through it. Eckhart Tolle says that once you stop resisting and begin to accept, you find more peace in your life and things begind to come to you. Nowadays I would never swap the current 'me' for the 'me' of years ago. I really get it when people say "I wouldn't be 20 again for anything" - I definitely wouldn't.

Ex says he sees a lot of changes, but I'm not sure that he does - and I don't care anymore. I'm glad to be out of a marriage where I was so miserable and felt so broken. I don't know how we lived like we did for so long. He says now that I do things better, yes, but here's the catch. He says"For every 1 thing I tell you about (meaning telling me how I could do something better or what I'm doing wrong) there are 90 to 100 things I don't tell you". 90 - 100 - the sheer number makes my head spin. Argggh, the pressure. He doesn't understand why I think he's looking over my shoulder all the time. Do you?

And he's told me this before, in the past, when we were married. I could never imagine saying something like that to someone I was supposed to love and support. He doesn't see why it would be so hurtful. I wonder if I am the one being sensitive. Hearing that line again makes me certain that I would never want a marriage relationship with him again, no matter what I pine for when I'm melting down. This one line says it all to me: I will never meet his standards - and it makes me certain that when I did what I did, it was the right thing to do.

Sometimes you just don't make sense

We'd finished watching a rare movie together, when ex went into the bathroom. There was a cockroach there, as there sometimes is because THE BATHROOM IS NEXT TO THE OUTSIDE DRAIN. It was my fault. I'd left the small bucket next to the toilet so the cockroach could hide in there.

Stupid me. He didn't say this, but he was thinking it. He came out from the bathroom, got the spray and went back in, killed the horrible thing and then came out again holding the small bucket. He asked me: "What do you use these for" "They are for rinsing the floor" I replied. He was a little exasperated and started on about cross-contamination and had a really bewildered look on his face that told me bookloads about what he was thinking and then said "I know this is a really stupid question but what brush do you use to wash the basin?"

He linked the cockroach, to (presumed) dirty, buckets on the floor, to me having bad cleaning habits to the possible fact that I MAY WASH THE BASIN WITH THE TOILET BRUSH. (Note, this is my interpretation of this particular scene.)

I told him there's a special brush, on the shower holder, sitting by itself, that I use, with anti-bacterial bleach product to wash the basin. He must see this brush every-fucking-day. Then I told him "No, I don't use the toilet brush" and he grunted and said oh, ok and sort of raised his hands in the air in a 'you know I had to ask' gesture.

Jesus, (pardon me INC if your reading) even I know better than that. He replied, yep it was a stupid question but the rest of his gestures and expression said "...but you know I had to ask because of who you are and some of the things you've done in the past" And here I have to admit that yes, I've let my daughter walk around with a dry toilet brush in her hand a very long time ago. So you can see why he has to ask all these stupid questions, can't you?

He ended up putting the buckets away - ON THE BENCH WHERE WE MAKE OUR BREAKFAST. IF THEY ARE ATTRACTING COCKROACHES IN THE BATHROOM, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GOING TO DO TO OUR KITCHEN BENCH!!!

Sometimes ex, you just don't make sense. Give me a little credit, drop the baggage and think about what you're doing.

Maybe then I wouldn't be so sick of living here.

Sleep

I wish



I could sleep



Til November.

Dinner, 8 and 8

Dinner last night was fresh 'wet-style' kuay teow and fried rice. RM 8 for one RM 8 for the other - 8 and 8. Total, RM16 - about AUD 9 for dinner and lunch tomorrow. That's pretty cheap and it's yummo. Here's a photo Mr Scorpio, of "wet kauy teow', chinese comfort food.



I have no information on how healthy this is - it's probably not. It doesn't seem that unhealthy but in restaurants they cook with pork lard so it's probably really unhealthy. We would eat this about 3 - 4 times a month, so hopefully that's not too bad. I remember back when we lived in Sorrento, a dish similar to this would cost us AUD $20- the 2 prawns it included were much bigger and fresher though.

Today is an interesting day. It's school holidays so the kids are at home, but I am going to give a talk to some teachers about.... discipline in the class room, which is oh so different to discipline in the home. I think we all know that. It astounds me that I can control a bunch of 30 kids and yet have trouble coping with my own two.

Enjoy your day.

And there are questions...

that go around in my head. These are those:

Why does the damn fettucine stick together when I cook it and then become half undercooked, half overcooked pasta?

Are face masks really necessary? So hot, so uncomfortable and not guaranteed to protect, so it's not like we're really wearing them.

Should the child of a friend call the ex's girlfriend, Mummy? (I say no!)

Why do Americans desecrate their food and then want to stick it down their own throats? See this site: This is why you're fat

Who's drinking all the milk?

Where is my money going to?

Were rollerblades really a good idea to give to both my kids (who turned 7 and 9 ) this week?

Why does my internet connection keep dropping out? Is it the governments fault or just my usb wireless port thingy?

Why am I craving sugar and coffee? If alcohol wasn't so expensive here I think I'd be craving that too.

Should we get noodles tonight for dinner, or should I cook? "Wet kuay teow" for RM 8. Yummo!

Days flying by

Sheesh, it's already Friday. Today is my son's 7th birthday. Happy Birthday my gorgeous boy. Mummy loves you more than you know. Will write the week up tomorrow.

The letter box calling me and other mindless drivel

This morning, I heard the postman come. No big deal. Later I was checking email and browsing Oprah.com and saw next months edition being advertised. It's headline was "Stronger than you know". Great, I thought, I'm stronger than I know/ feel, I can't wait to read the article. And then I got this strange pulling sensation in my head and that magazine cover was telling me that it was in my letterbox, because I needed to read it.

No, I thought, I wonder if it is... wouldn't it be great if it was and my Oprah magazine came today, just when I wanted to really read that article, I said to myself.

Go on, go and look, I'll bet it is... and then I knew it was here. So I went to the letter box and there it was waiting for me. The power of the universe really is true.

Now to go read and enjoy the thunderstorm that's about to hit. The weather here is gloriously wet at the moment. It's raining most days, the haze has cleared and the sun shines in the morning.

A little list:
Listening to: California Radio, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen.

Eating: brownies

Drinking: coffee and cold lime juice (not together)

Doing: Lots of house work, blogging and reading

Avoiding: Kids on new rollerblades

Reading: The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle and Oprah magazine

Feeling: Oh so tired, but settled.

Going: Nowhere - not with this flu and haze around. We're staying put for the moment and saving our money.

Here comes the storm. Got to unplug now. Bye.