Open eyes - a rushed entry

It's another hot day here, really hot, no rain to cool down and wash away the heat. No point going swimming - the water is warm. Yuk. Mum is on the mend, thank the Universe. Surprised myself this morning and got up and walked with MIL and then came home and snoozed for another hour next to my daughter who'd joined me in my room at 5 am.

Ex came and talked again today. Talked about how much can get done if you're in the right frame of mind, how his people don't understand that he's been depressed for so long and even though he wanted to work and do things, he just couldn't. I understand, I've been there. His eyes are opening to what has been happening to him and how changing his thinking and letting go of issues allows him to go in a different direction. He is working now and getting paid for it. He did a web site last week in 5 days and though it's fairly simple, he learned a lot of new things which he can use in the future. He told me he's going to focus on his strengths again and do web sites for people (as opposed to running pubs and things) and the Segamat . com thing will be on the side. He knows he needs to go out and meet advertisers for that site rather than letting someone else do it. He knows too that when you act positively, good things happen. Go with the flow of the universe he says - yes, I've known that for a while now but I couldn't tell him that because of where we are with each other (ie nowhere). He even notices the things I do to make myself happier - music, Adam Lambert, doing small things that make a difference.

So for the moment, it's mostly good (excepting the fact that I can't be with mum to help her). My students are doing well. I have two new ones this year and they will challenge me. I've been to NASOM and am giving advice on the pre-vocational program to the teacher that's in charge of the older students. When I was explaining how to design the curriculum for these students, I saw the light go on in her eyes as she understood what I was on about. It was nice to see. Now, if it would only rain a little...

Pain is unavoidable but suffering is optional.

There was a knock on my door this morning, after I'd come back from my walk with MIL. There's only one person who knocks on my door and that's ex. This'll be interesting, I thought. He caught me napping, I'm so tired it seems, in this hot, hot, hot weather (today it reached 44 here in lil ol Segamat).

He asked if I was OK this morning, whether I was feeling better. I said yes, knowing that he was referring to the crankiness of last night when he mentioned that the house was getting messy. I responded by getting up and tidying the damn place up and getting a bit shitty with the kids for leaving their stuff everywhere. He never comes to talk to me, only when he needs something but today he was seeing if I was OK. I remember that a few months ago he said that if I want to talk with him, I should come to him. I should, but I don't - I feel awkward , like I'm imposing on him.

So, we talked - well, he talked and I listened, nodded my head in agreement and tried not to "shut him down" with any of my comments. He spoke again of how he's learning to let things go, how he's now able to see things in a mess and instead of getting angry, he just cleans it up himself. I remember so clearly about 15 years ago, telling him that he was too controlling and that he should 'let go'. He eventually did, but in all that wrong ways and got depressed instead. He told me (again) that he's learning to be grateful for the little things in life - the fence he painted, the garden that he's looking after and how, after coming from such a low point, he appreciates what it takes to get these things done. Sure, it doesn't compare to what some people do, but if he compares himself now to what he was even 3 or 4 months ago, he knows he's come quite a way and he can appreciate that. He's finding out for himself, the things I've been through in the last 2 years.

He's finding out that even the simplest of tasks done on a regular basis can help your self esteem and make you feel good. He's understanding that you can't expect people (kids) to do things that you can't / won't do for yourself and that they have to see you doing it first. And finally, he understands that the joy and happiness in life is what makes it worth living. Finally he realises that it's OK to want happiness and joy in life and he's finding it within the little things. He's taking responsibility for his own happiness, instead of thinking that someone else should make him happy. The other side of this is that he's taking more responsibility for his own misery too - his current favourite saying is "pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional". There will be pain, but if you relive it over and over again in your mind, well, that's your own stupid fault. He wants to pass on his new insights to the kids, when appropriate of course.

I'm glad he's seeing these things. I know what he's talking about and I'm happy to just listen to him go on about the things he's discovered. For the first time ever today, I heard him say "I've got lots of issues" - really ex? Don't we all? I'm glad he's realised that he has them too because for so long, all we ever talked about were my issues. So now we mostly talk about him and his issues. He's learning to let go and be happy and for that I'm grateful.

*

Tonight I went for supper with friends, who met up with some other friends. Even though I could barely understand a word of what was going on (because they didn't speak much English), it was nice to be in the company of happy people who were laughing and enjoying each others company.

*

Today was damn hot. 44 degrees according to the temp sensor on my friends car. So hot, it seemed like the air conditioners were broken as they sturggled to bring the temperature down in the house. We still did what we normally do - kids at school, me teaching and cooking dinner, but damn it was hot. Probably better that we didn't know what the temp was - just something else to complain about. Son came home with a headache. Tomorrow they have another day off school - it's the Prophet's birthday (don't know who that is) so we can rest and try to keep cool. We'll go somewhere cool for lunch and play games in my room with the air con on.

*

Time for bed. Air con is at full power and I'm tired. Shout out to my mum who has been sick with complications from food poisoning last week. I'll call her tomorrow morning and see how she is. I will come home for a while if she doesn't get better soon. Love you mum.

KL Day 2 and then some

Day 2 in KL went OK. We had wanted to see Avatar in 3D, which was still playing so while the kids went with ex to walk around, I went up to the cinema and to buy some tickets. I got up there, looked around and thought "we were not meant to see this movie". I'm not kidding, the line for tickets must have been 200 people long and tickets were 'selling fast'. It was going to take me an hour or more of standing in line to get near the ticket counter and there was no guarantee that there would be any tickets left anyway. For a minute, I didn't know what to do... really. I'm still so used to ex coming in and second guessing me that making a decision, even one as obvious as this one, is still rife with uncertainty. I literally had to talk myself into taking action, all the while knowing how stupid all this sounds. Anyway, I rang ex, told him we had to change our plans and to meet me at the kids playground. We booked the kids into the SPACE STATION playground (RM20 per kid, plus RM4 for socks). After they were taken care of, we looked at each other awkwardly, planned a time to meet and went our separate ways. I could hear him thinking 'why?' on so many levels - why didn't she get the tickets last night? (cos the same amount of people were at the ticket counter), why didn't she try to buy them online (I did, but their online ticket purchase wasn't working) - why, why, why? While he may have been thinking this (and I know he did, he told me later), he didn't say anything because he thinks it will tip me over the edge towards a meltdown - and it might because I'm still so sensitive to the things he says to me (less so now but it's still there).

So anyway, the day worked out better, I think. The kids played, I went to Cold Storage and bought 8 packets of lovely meat and chicken and two bags of ice which I stored in the esky in the car, and we all met for lunch an hour and a half later. Lunch was nice - fried rice at some Malacca-inspired restaurant and then we drove home.

Later that night, I went into ex to tell him what was behind the decision to cancel the movie and he told me that it wasn't on his radar and that he had other things on his mind. OK, I shouldn't even be here I said and walked out.

Next day, ex came in told me about the 'other things' that were on his mind. I always get uneasy when he comes in, shuts the door and says "I need to talk to you". It practically induces a panic attack. What he told me next just floored me, but it probably won't have the same effect on you reading about it.

Ex and his best friend were collaborating to do Segamat.com together. When ex gets enthusiastic about something, he goes at it, guns blazing. The other guy, who also runs a business of his own, was having trouble keeping up. So they had a meeting. The other guy said he was feeling guilty that he couldn't keep up and ex agreed and was wanting to propose a different arrangement. Ex came away from the meeting thinking they'd made an arrangement for him to just do what he could and get some commission from it.

So we got back from KL and ex was trying to contact this guy who then told him how angry he was that ex was trying to push him out of the project. Ex has tried to explain that this wasn't the case and that he was just trying to make it easier for this guy, but to no avail. This guy has written back, telling ex not to contact him again! Just like that it seems, their friendship has come to an abrupt end. To say I was stunned is an understatement. I know this guy and liked him and was glad that ex had him as a friend. They shared a lot of things together - he with his stress and marriage problems, ex with his 'situation' and all those things he couldn't share with me. They were more than just drinking buddies.

If this were me, I'd be devastated and even ex said that if this had happened to him a few months ago he would have been too. Now though, he seems to be coping with it quite well, thanks to his new outlook on life (ie you can only live for the moment and be grateful for the little things). I don't know what kind of implications there will be for his project though. His friend knows a lot of people and when people are angry, there's no telling what will happen. The thing I can't get my head around is how this guy could just end their friendship just like that. Just goes to show, you never can tell what people will do or why. It's ironic, just the other day, I remember telling ex that he couldn't push his friend too hard because "you wouldn't want to lose the friendship over it" and there you go, he has. And all the while he was telling me this, he was saying how much of it reminded him of when we were working together. He pushed and pushed until we broke. He told his friend about that, about how he didn't want to push him too hard and that's why he wanted to make other arrangements, but the guy has taken it very badly. While I was sitting there listening to all of this, the paranoid me was asking myself "are you saying this is my fault? you're blaming me?" etc etc. And I absolutely know that this is not my fault. Thing is, ex can't figure out where he went wrong, but he is considering now that maybe he did something wrong. If I was a real bitch I tell him "you take yourself everywhere you go ex, you just need to look at your track record - you got some major bust-ups in your past, mate!". Maybe he needs to look at his people skills, no?

The best we can hope for in this situation is that the other guy was just having a bad day and he'll cool off and they can be friends again. But then, you never know, this is not the school playground and he may just have had other issues with ex that I don't know about and this was it for him. I hope it's the former. Ex was even saying that maybe this is the experience he (the other guy) needs to have or maybe he just snapped because of lots of other things in his life and couldn't take it anymore (he is a really stressed out guy who drinks and takes xanax almost daily, but a nice guy all the same).

Ex has decided that he's still going to go ahead with this project (segamat.com) and he's doing another site as well. But he's also realised that being depressed for the last 5 - 10 years, has done nothing to endear other people to trust him. Even his own brother doesn't trust him to make a go of it. His oldest told him he should move back to Melbourne and get a job as a programmer. It makes sense doesn't it? He could probably get a job, see his old girlfriend and have his own family nearby.

But he's out to prove himself and I have some faith that he can do it. I've seen him work - he's intelligent and can problem solve like no-one else I know. And he wants to now - that's a big thing in itself. He's finally climbed out of his own hole and is making a concerted effort with everything from the kids to the garden to how he can cope better with people when things don't go his way.

I'm standing back watching because as far as I can tell, I'm the only one standing by him, supporting him in what he wants to do.

One of the biggest differences that I notice between my people (including you who read this, my family and friends back home and here) and his people is that my people support me in whatever decision I have made, even when they don't agree. Ex's people are always fond of telling him what they think he should be doing and he's never really been asked "what do you want to do?" Then again, they don't know the whole story and he doesn't tell them. He's not like me - I tell my people stuff - not everything, but a good portion of it. And more importantly, my people ask me what I want and if I fail, they are still there - and I do truly appreciate and love you for it. Sadly, I'm not so sure that that is the case with ex's people. I hope I'm wrong. But I will be here. I have to be. I couldn't bear to see him fall down, never to get up again.

KL - Day 1

We arrived at the shopping centre at about 11.30 yesterday, after an uneventful 3 hour trip. Hungry, we first stopped at an eatery called Kluang Station which serves local Malaysian fare such as nasi lemak, kaya bread tea and coffee. The kids had milo, chicken wings and kaya bread. I had tea, ex had nasi lemak. Simple and fairly cheap. Then we split and went shopping. We always do this. It's awkward shopping together and I prefer it with just me and the kids. I took daughter and ex took son. First stop, a music shop to buy some cd's. I finally got what I wanted after months of waiting - Adam's CD, For Your Entertainment. I also got Kris Allen and Lady Gaga. It's interesting to see how my taste in music has changed. A few years back I was still stuck in the 80's. I missed the 90's and the first half of the naughties and now I only listen to current stuff.

Next bought daughter some new bathers - her first pair of 'racers', the type I used to wear when I was a teenager. She's supposed to do some swimming with the school this year so she needed some sensible bathers. Then off to Toy's R Us where we got some playdough and protective wrist guards so that the kids can ride on their rollerblades outside and not be so scared of falling over (and I can watch them from a distance rather than hovering over them - especially son cos he's not that good at it yet.)

Met up with ex at the toyshop where he dropped son with me and went off by himself. It's interesting to note that he does this without thinking or asking but if I were to want that, I'd be practically asking permission. Still, I didn't really mind, I was just glad to be out of Segamat for a while.

I think one of the things that contributed to yesterday's mood was that the earlier in the week, I'd talked to my friends about going to Malacca. We didn't really make any plans because they said that they had to stay at home and they had planned to go on Wednesday. I had wanted to go with just my girlfriend (sans husband) and she was really keen but her guilt won over and she said she had to stay at home. Anyway the very next day, they called me from just outside on Segamat and asked me if we'd like to follow them to Malacca. I would have gone in a minute, but felt guilty leaving ex without a car and I hadn't 'planned' to go, so it was much too short a notice for me. I got really antsy about the fact that everyone around me just picks up and goes wherever and whenever they want. If ex goes away for the weekend, he just says - I'm going away on Thursday and I'll be back Saturday and that's it. Whatever I've got on, I just have to deal with him not being there. My friends, inlaws, they pick up and go at a moments notice. Maybe I should just try it. Except I've got nowhere I really want to be. Maybe this year I'll come home for a week by myself (not) -my parents would kill me.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully with the afternoon being spent at the in laws palying with the kids and resting. We had dinner in and then while ex went out to meet a friend from Segamat, his brother took everyone back to the shopping mall for a while. It was my sister in laws idea to go so that I could buy the tickets for Avatar today. Good idea but with a gazillion people there lining up, I didn't have any chance of doing that within any reasonable amount of time. I'm sorry they went just for that reason, but I didn't ask them to - I thought they wanted to go to the bookshop, which is what happens when they speak half English and half chinese - I never fully understand the intention behind what they say.

So it's the next day. Ex and I shared the guest bed, clinging to our respective sides - there was no where else for me to sleep. I'm treading carefully again today, as I know he is. We're supposed to go to the shopping centre later, have lunch, watch Avatar in 3D and then drive 3 hours home. That's the plan. Let's hope it works out.

See you tonight.

Just for half an hour

It's Tuesday evening. I've been wanting to write everyday since I last wrote, but the opportunity just hasn't been there. Chinese New Year dinners have been and gone. Kids have their little red packets (angpau) and life is slowly returning to a less hectic pace for other people. Me, I didn't have to do anything besides look after the kids, so my life will speed up rather than slow down.

Ex has been working hard and doing what he does best, computer programming. No income yet, but we'll see how things pan out. Tomorrow we have a trip to KL scheduled, including an overnight stay at my brother in laws. We saw them at CNY and the kids were thrilled to be together. Their youngest child is a delight, their oldest (6) is forever glued to his PSP game thingy. They only come to Segamat once a year. The only other time we see them is if we go visit them. We haven't stayed there in ages, preferring the more spacious, well-lit abode of the Aunty who lives nearby.

I'm here locked in my room because I have the infamous 'messy mind'. It's been ages since I've had a true meltdown, and this is probably the worst it's been for a while. Things are swirling around in my head, I'm agitated and grumpy and short with the kids. Son, with his gazillion questions every hour, is driving me to distraction. They are in my face and it seems, around every minute. I feel trapped and that, of course, always leads me to thinking about coming home.

And according to ex, whom I've just spoken to about all this, I'm in denial about what's happening. It started a week ago he said (I would say it started yesterday). According to him, he'd try to tell me something and I would shut him down or change the subject. That's a sign that I'm headed for a mood swing. I remember the incidents I think. He said something and I'd give him my opinion which was the opposite of what he was thinking. I can't remember the details but I can remember feeling a bit apprehensive when I was speaking and then thinking to myself that I normally don't speak my mind anymore. I wonder often that if I had the same conversation with another person, whether they would think I was shutting them down or would they think that they were just having a normal conversation. I never know which it would be. In these times with him, I feel so flawed, even though he tells me that it's not about that - it's about doing what's best etc, etc. I still can't help feeling hugely flawed, like some social imbecile with a mental illness. How can I not see when I'm shutting him down from talking any further about something? How can I not see that these are signs of a mood swing that makes the rest of the family walk on eggshells.

Tomorrow I still want to go to KL. I feel like I need to get out. We will probably regret going because of the mood I am in tonight. I told him if I still feel this way, we will cancel. He's worried that I'll cause a scene in front of his brother or that something else will happen afterwards.

He also told me that we need to focus on the positive and go with the flow. There are no emotions attached to the things he says to me - no anger or resentment, they are just facts. A fact for him is that if I lose it tomorrow, he will just have to manage it. There's no compassion, nothing. Just plain, bare facts - which comes across to me as 'you are flawed, I am better and I need to manage you', which of course I find hugely offensive.

Soooo, tired. Better get some sleep. I will report back tomorrow night or the day after and let you know the 'consequences' of going on this little trip.

Lead up to the holidays

Today the kids break from school for the Chinese New Year. YAY, for the next 11 days, I don't have to get up at 6am.

Not that I've been minding really, even though I do whinge about it. Now instead of coming back home to sleep, I meet up with my mother-in-law and we go for a 40 minute walk. It's good. Sometimes we go to the morning market afterward where we can buy pork, fish and vegies that are fresher than the supermarkets. So it works in all ways.

My son has been having problems with his teeth again. A cavity in his milk molars has gone deep enough to cause him a great amount of pain that no amount of cuddling can stop. The dentist performed a 'pulpectomy' - sounds hideous doesn't it? No, not pleasant. They drilled out part of the tooth pulp and filled it. This, I think, is a pre-cursor to a baby root canal which was actually recommended by the dentist back home. I was told though that no dentist would want to do it because it's a milk tooth. I was hoping they'd just extract the tooth altogether but they didn't want that either, because the tooth holds the space for the permanent tooth later. Anyway, about 40 minutes in the dentist chair, a bit of screaming and crying and a good dose of Panadol later and he was back to normal and off to school. Ex quietly noted "our son's a woos isn't he?" No, I said, he's not actually. He has a higher tolerance for pain than his sister. If he's crying because of pain, you can be sure it really hurts. He was so brave. It shows me that he doesn't know our son that well. Not as I know him anyway. I was brave too - it's hard to put your kids through something you know is going to be so painful and I didn't cry - almost, but didn't. So we got through that today.

Ex is doing well. He's working more and going to visit potential customers who will be listed on the site and getting positive responses. I hope it goes well for him. He's more relaxed, happier and more motivated, both in his office and around the house, than I've seen him in a very long time. He's painted the front fence this past week and is taking care of the garden - I've never seen him do that - and getting pleasure from the little things in life. He's learning life's lessons, I guess, just like I have. He's telling me things about life that I have already discovered ie be grateful for the little things, look around you and appreciate what you've got, don't compare us to other people etc. It's good to see him coming along in this way. I whinge about him alot, but I do want him to be happy - if only for the fact that he is my children's father and I want them to have a happy father. But I've also known him for a long time and know how miserable he has been and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. With his new outlook comes more energy, tolerance and pleasure for him and the kids. I can see him trying and succeeding, rather than just sitting there telling other people how things should be done, how life should be approached. I can see action from him, rather than just words. It's good and I'm happy for him.

Be grateful for the little things.

Cheers.

Soft spot to fall.

This week, I miss having a husband - or what my version of a husband would be anyway, not necessarily the one I've experienced. I need a soft spot to fall, complain, whinge and be listened to without judgment or harsh words, nor solutions for that matter. I need to fall into someone's arms and be comforted because I am tired and frustrated. So tired. I guess my blog is my soft spot, my safe place to express myself. Thankyou for reading and not judging me.

I'm tired of being positive towards a school system which, in so many ways, is much less than what I had hoped my kids would have. I wanted my kids to love school and learning and all that comes with it, so that they may want to study in the future, the way I did. But they don't love it. For the most part, they don't like it. I'm tired of emphasising the good bits and negating the bad. I'm tired of the endless rounds of homework and the late night sms's to my kid's tutor about coming the next day to help them out because I can't. How am I going to tell ex how I feel without it seeming like some kind of ploy to get back home? Uggghhh, I hate this.

My girl has been getting too many smacks on the hand lately, for my liking. The teacher concerned is her form teacher and teaches her morals, chinese, science and civics. I've met her and she seemed Ok, but that was then. Every other day, she's been taking the ruler to my girl and it has come to the point where my girl is so stressed that she's panicking, forgetting things, then getting another beating for forgetting. Yesterday, I'd had enough. Fearing I'd beat the crap out of this teacher if I talked to her personally, (I probably wouldn't, but you never know, I'm ripe for it, given the stress I feel) I went to see the vice principal. Madam L accommodated me and listened to my concerns. She agreed and told me she'd speak to the teacher concerned. I told her that my kids cry almost daily about coming to school and that school was causing them a lot of stress. They are panic-stricken when they forget something and my girl was having trouble sleeping causing her even more stress. I didn't know what to do, I said, telling her that I didn't want her to change classes and I certainly didn't want to pull her out of school (though I absolutely would if the situation didn't change). I was tactful about what I wanted - more patience and understanding from the teachers, less beatings - that's all. Just that. She promised again that she would speak to the teacher and said that yes, she'd noticed my girl pull back whenever this teacher spoke to her. Her other teachers are fine. Her English teacher, a man (rare in these parts), is lovely and often calls on her to read English texts to the class because of her excellent pronunciation. so it's not all bad.

Today I asked my daughter how was it with her teacher today and she smiled and said the teacher had taken her aside, asked her how she liked school and a few more things. The situation has turned around and now the teacher is being a lot nicer to her, taking the time to explain things a bit more thoroughly and slowly. Phew! Glad I got that sorted.

*

So tired of my feelings being in a mess. I woke up in a tizz this morning after having had a dream about ex. He was nice to me. Really nice. He was smiling and wanted to be with me. He kissed me and I could sense that he wanted to get back together. I could feel myself being pulled in. He was the man I remember, way back when we started going out. I could see his face, his smile and the twinkle in his eye that I found so cute back then. He was apologetic. I could feel myself forgiving him and forgetting all the reasons why I didn't want to be together. All I could see was a future with my family in tact. It was all I'd ever wanted.

And then I woke up, with a cracking migraine, that went deep into my brain. Nothing like a good smack in the head to bring back reality. I staggered up and got daughter ready for school. Every morning she says the same thing - "Is it time already? I'm so tired." I'm tired too, but I can't tell her that. We got organised and I came back home and went straight back to bed. I woke up at nine, feeling slightly better but the dream was still fresh. OMG, what am I thinking to dream like that.

I know it's not a reflection of what I think I want. I know it's because I'm feeling tired and vulnerable and I miss having a partner. I miss being that close with someone. We were once. I have the memories to prove it.

*

I'm tired of doing almost everything, especially for the kids. In some ways, I love it that we are close but in other ways, I find myself thinking "why do I have to do it all?" It's hard to even go out these days because of the homework stuff, the cooking, the organising that needs to be done. Tonight I couldn't go because my daughter has 'rancana' (pron runchunna) tomorrow. She has to memorise a passage in Malay and then write it out for the teacher tomorrow. Pointless drivel that I am forced to help her learn.

*

This week ex had to go and pay the annual fee for the kids student visas. It's RM 240 per year for both of them. Everytime he does this, it's a huge inconvenience for him. He needs to go to the post office and get a money order, then go and pay it at the education department. I refuse to do it. I get the paperwork ready and pass it onto the school, but I refuse to deal with office itself. He speaks the language, it's his country, he should do it. He said to me once, "if you want the kids to study here, you have to do these things". I nearly smacked him thinking "THIS IS YOUR CHOICE, NOT MINE". Bastard.

*

I'm tired of living abroad. I want to be able to manage my personal affairs from home. I had a call from mum a couple days back regarding a Centrelink debt I've accumulated due to not lodging a tax return. The call was from a debt collection company. Scary stuff. I didn't resolve the debt because it was going to be resolved when my accountant lodged my tax return while I was back in Melbourne. He forgot. I didn't follow it up. Now, instead of it resolving itself (which it would have had the tax returns gone through), I'll have to pay the 3K debt and hopefully get it back from Centrelink when all my issues with them are resolved. This is yucky stuff and adding to the stress I'm already feeling. I can't share it with ex because he can't help anyway and I don't really want him to know about it in case I do money back - I need to keep it for the future and if I want to share it I will. Am I being selfish? Probably, but I expect him to work for a living. If we really need it, I'll send it to myself. And anyway, if I do get money back, I'm going to use it to come back home again at the end of the year. Turns out, I'm lodging tax returns as a resident and so I NEED to go back every year. Taxes are tricky aren't they? I need to tell ex one day that he is no longer lodging tax returns in Australia because his tax payments would be too high. I don't want to talk about finances with him but one day I'm going to have to. He needs to know these things.

So, that's the whinge today. As I finish this entry a whole day on from when I started, I'm feeling better. No migraine and no emotional backlash from the dream. It's still fresh though and I keep getting reminded of it when ex smiles or his normally stoic persona goes a little soft. I need to keep my guard up and I'm not going to tell him about the dream. I'll tell my friend instead and she'll slap me in the face for it and bring me back down to earth and remind me why I do not want to be with that man. I love her for it. That's what friends are for.

Have a nice day.