Phew! It's been a reasonably big week, with my teaching ending on Saturday morning with the performance of the 'mini-concert' by my English class. It's been a much anticipated event, something my children have been looking forward to for weeks. On the other hand, I have NOT been looking forward to it because it meant having to do my teacher thang in front of adults. I was nervous and sweaty and shaky, but we got through it.
I was more nervous because ex was there. When I need to 'perform' or even be around other people and he is there, I am more nervous because I am more aware of my failings and more self-conscious. It's left over baggage of how it used to be. I would do something and he would tell me later how I could have done better or what I did wrong. Now he doesn't say anything, but the anxiety is there. Now he has no choice but to let me make my own mistakes and let me be myself - bumbling mistakes and all.
Not to worry, it's over now. Now I am packing in earnest. Carefully placing items and clothing that I want to take, being careful not to over pack the clothing since I know I will inevitably go shopping for myself, my kids and my nieces and nephew. But I don't want to be packing. I don't know why. Perhaps I think it will upset ex. The kids keep talking about Australia and I keep shooshing them because ex will think I'm talking Australia up and making this all into some sick competition where we compare which country is better and why. I don't do that and I don't want it to be that way either. Instead, I want them to think of both countries as home, rather than having to pick one. I want them to feel equally comfortable as they have friends and family in both. Why does one have to exclude the other. I don't think it should. Perhaps, if I can stress that to ex, he won't feel so bad when we go back.
More later.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Almost there
This year, for me, ends on the 26th November. It is my countdown date, the day before we leave for my home, to be with family and friends for a month before coming back. As we draw nearer, I find myself ticking off things that need to be done, events that have asked for our attendance and items that need to be packed. It's getting close and exciting and somehow surreal.
We're half done in the packing department. Clothes that we're not wearing, my two degrees that I want to be at home, my crystal champagne flutes and some little pressies for a friend's son are all in. I'm not bringing much else back, though I'd like to. I'd like to bring a ton of kids clothes back for my brother's 4 kids, whom I barely know. I'd love to bring back lots of bags and girly stuff for all my sister's kids (5 girls aged 6 - 21). I'd love to bring back lots of cute stationery for my daughter's school-aged friends whom we are going to visit. But I'm going to have to be content with just bringing back myself, my kids and a few things. Years of living with ex have left me feeling guilty if I turn up somewhere (especially from overseas) empty-handed. One of ex's wonderful qualities is that he's generous (with his money) to a fault. Every time we came to Malaysia, we'd bring stuff back. Even now, if we go out of town, he'll usually find something to bring back to his mum or his brother, even though we're financially stressed. This conflicts with what I was brought up to believe - that if you haven't got it, you can't spend it and your true friends and family will understand and will want your company anyway. Yes, it's nice to bring people stuff, but sometimes you just can't. My mother in law always packed her suitcase to the brim with loads of stuff for us over the years - a Moulinette blender, a wok, countless food items, curry powder, biscuits, clothing and once, a bottle of Ginseng brandy, meant to help me recover from having my first baby (it's a chinese medicine thing and it was awful and I didn't want it). I don't know how she did it - all that stuff is so heavy.
Anyway, I have to sign off. Regular life is calling. Uniforms need to be ironed, my daughter needs to see a doctor because she's got a nasty cough and the house needs to be tidied. Ex's sister arrives today. That's exciting, especially for the kids, who haven't seen her for a while. She'll be a great distraction for them in these next two weeks and I hope that we can take her out for lots of dinners and good stuff to eat. I've asked her to buy a book for me called Broken Open, by Elizabeth Lesser. It's about how the shit in life makes you stronger. Can't wait to read it and yes, I will pay her for it. But more than that, we'll enjoy having her around. She'll be a breath of fresh air, with her lovely smile and positive nature. It will be good to see her.
Have a good day folks, or by now, I hope your day is going well. Mine is just starting.
Cheers.
We're half done in the packing department. Clothes that we're not wearing, my two degrees that I want to be at home, my crystal champagne flutes and some little pressies for a friend's son are all in. I'm not bringing much else back, though I'd like to. I'd like to bring a ton of kids clothes back for my brother's 4 kids, whom I barely know. I'd love to bring back lots of bags and girly stuff for all my sister's kids (5 girls aged 6 - 21). I'd love to bring back lots of cute stationery for my daughter's school-aged friends whom we are going to visit. But I'm going to have to be content with just bringing back myself, my kids and a few things. Years of living with ex have left me feeling guilty if I turn up somewhere (especially from overseas) empty-handed. One of ex's wonderful qualities is that he's generous (with his money) to a fault. Every time we came to Malaysia, we'd bring stuff back. Even now, if we go out of town, he'll usually find something to bring back to his mum or his brother, even though we're financially stressed. This conflicts with what I was brought up to believe - that if you haven't got it, you can't spend it and your true friends and family will understand and will want your company anyway. Yes, it's nice to bring people stuff, but sometimes you just can't. My mother in law always packed her suitcase to the brim with loads of stuff for us over the years - a Moulinette blender, a wok, countless food items, curry powder, biscuits, clothing and once, a bottle of Ginseng brandy, meant to help me recover from having my first baby (it's a chinese medicine thing and it was awful and I didn't want it). I don't know how she did it - all that stuff is so heavy.
Anyway, I have to sign off. Regular life is calling. Uniforms need to be ironed, my daughter needs to see a doctor because she's got a nasty cough and the house needs to be tidied. Ex's sister arrives today. That's exciting, especially for the kids, who haven't seen her for a while. She'll be a great distraction for them in these next two weeks and I hope that we can take her out for lots of dinners and good stuff to eat. I've asked her to buy a book for me called Broken Open, by Elizabeth Lesser. It's about how the shit in life makes you stronger. Can't wait to read it and yes, I will pay her for it. But more than that, we'll enjoy having her around. She'll be a breath of fresh air, with her lovely smile and positive nature. It will be good to see her.
Have a good day folks, or by now, I hope your day is going well. Mine is just starting.
Cheers.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I think I invent drama - an update
There was no doubt in my mind yesterday that ex was highly stressed at the time of him calling me about our daughter's visa. I didn't invent that.
What I did later in the afternoon, was to imagine his worst possible reaction when he came back and make it seem like it was really going to happen. I guess it could have, but it didn't.
None of it. As the day wore on, the stress for me got much less as I pulled myself out of the 'waiting on the couch' mode and got back into what I needed to do - cook dinner, pick up the kids from school and keep calm while a heavy downpour soaked my pants and shoes while I was picking them up.
Ex finally got back at about 11pm and was his normal and pretty happy self. He'd been able to 'let it go' and get on with his day. The visa is done, he got a warning instead of a fine and the money that I sent him was used to pay an unexpected increase in the fee.
What we need to remember for next time is that if we can't pick up the visa on time, we need to go to over the border to get a 3 month social visit pass to tide us over that period. What I didn't know was that last time this happened, ex had paid extra to have to have the visa expedited quickly. I didn't know that or if he told me, I'd forgotten. So I must remember, that with whatever visa we are renewing, if it's not processed in time, we need to take a little detour via Singapore.
What I've learned from this finally is that when ex does get upset, I don't have to take it on. I don't need to fix it. He can and does, calm himself down and gets over it without me having to do anything. This is the second time this week that he's done that. The other time was when I'd left my phone at home and he needed to contact me and I've been forgetting to bring my phone out with me quite frequently.
Anyway, whatever drama I'd imagined there was going to be, absolutely did not happen and I could have had a perfectly good afternoon instead of the one I did have.
What I did later in the afternoon, was to imagine his worst possible reaction when he came back and make it seem like it was really going to happen. I guess it could have, but it didn't.
None of it. As the day wore on, the stress for me got much less as I pulled myself out of the 'waiting on the couch' mode and got back into what I needed to do - cook dinner, pick up the kids from school and keep calm while a heavy downpour soaked my pants and shoes while I was picking them up.
Ex finally got back at about 11pm and was his normal and pretty happy self. He'd been able to 'let it go' and get on with his day. The visa is done, he got a warning instead of a fine and the money that I sent him was used to pay an unexpected increase in the fee.
What we need to remember for next time is that if we can't pick up the visa on time, we need to go to over the border to get a 3 month social visit pass to tide us over that period. What I didn't know was that last time this happened, ex had paid extra to have to have the visa expedited quickly. I didn't know that or if he told me, I'd forgotten. So I must remember, that with whatever visa we are renewing, if it's not processed in time, we need to take a little detour via Singapore.
What I've learned from this finally is that when ex does get upset, I don't have to take it on. I don't need to fix it. He can and does, calm himself down and gets over it without me having to do anything. This is the second time this week that he's done that. The other time was when I'd left my phone at home and he needed to contact me and I've been forgetting to bring my phone out with me quite frequently.
Anyway, whatever drama I'd imagined there was going to be, absolutely did not happen and I could have had a perfectly good afternoon instead of the one I did have.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Miscommunication
I've spent all afternoon on the couch, watching tv, waiting for the phone to ring. I want news and I want it now.
The day started well. Got the kids off to school, went to Nasom and was organising to buy a laminate machine for them when I got a call. It was ex.
He was calling me to tell me that he was at the immigration department and that they were making a fuss over the fact that our daughter's visa had expired almost 2 weeks ago and now he was going to have to pay a fine and he didn't have enough money on him to pay and he asked about what the immigration office had told me about picking up her visa and did I tell them that it was due to expire.
Immigration had previously told me that we only needed to lodge the visa 7 working days before it was due to expire. Then when ex lodged the paperwork, about 8 days beforehand, they told him that it would take 14 working days to process. Of course, her visa would expire before we'd have a chance to pick it up - but I can't remember if I explicitly told them that. No matter I thought, we have a letter to say it's being processed, as ex had also noted. I rang back after the expiry date, to see if it was ready to be picked up. It was so we planned a date to go down. It's happened before where we've had a few days in between the visa expiring and being able to pick it up. Back then, it was fine, 'because we had the letter'.
On the phone, ex was 'ex' in full swing. He didn't seem to understand that I was telling him information that I had in fact, told him before and I was passing on information that I'd gotten from the immigration offices. I told him again (about the discrepancy in the 7/ 14 days to process thing) and this time there was a loud ohh, ohhh, oh-no over the phone and something about when I told him, I hadn't given him enough context, and he hung up.
Well, my mind went downhill from there. I know he's going to blame it on me. And this is a big thing this time and it's all my fault. This is what I'm predicting. He's not home yet, so I'll have to sit and wait. I hope he calls and says he's going to stay one more night.
How could this be me, when I'm not even in charge of getting this visa? How can this be my fault when I'm only passing on information from one mouth to another. Every time I ring that damn office, I get different information. But I know, in my heart, that I'll be apologising and taking responsibility for doing something I had no control over. Does he think for a minute, that I wouldn't have paid attention and given him every detail possible so that he wouldn't have to go through this shit? Apparently he does. Why didn't any of those immigration people, note the expiry date themselves? Don't they have to look at these things?
Later, he sms-ed me to ask me to put some money in the bank so that he could draw out the cash from where he was. I had to visit his bank and luckily the customer service officer knew who he was, because I needed them to release his account number so I could put some money in. She was really nice, the money went in and ex was able to access it immediately. I did it, immediately and with no mistakes. I don't think that will count for much.
I don't know if he was more upset that he didn't have enough money on him (not my fault you spend your money on god-knows-what) or whether he really thinks I was the cause of this. And I may never know. He may never talk about it to me, or he might. I just don't know what to expect when he comes home tonight.
All I'm hoping for is that this does not jeopardise our travel plans. So as not to rock the boat and ensure that we leave on time, assuming the visa has been granted, I will take any and all repsonsibility for this and just say that I'll do better next time. Maybe I'll be brave enough to suggest that he call the immigration department himself next time, especially since he speaks the language. I know it makes me a doormat, but I don't care. Just so long as we leave in 18 days.
How can I be so literate in one context and so illiterate in another? It's going to be a xanax night for both of us. Please, universe, let this pass.
The day started well. Got the kids off to school, went to Nasom and was organising to buy a laminate machine for them when I got a call. It was ex.
He was calling me to tell me that he was at the immigration department and that they were making a fuss over the fact that our daughter's visa had expired almost 2 weeks ago and now he was going to have to pay a fine and he didn't have enough money on him to pay and he asked about what the immigration office had told me about picking up her visa and did I tell them that it was due to expire.
Immigration had previously told me that we only needed to lodge the visa 7 working days before it was due to expire. Then when ex lodged the paperwork, about 8 days beforehand, they told him that it would take 14 working days to process. Of course, her visa would expire before we'd have a chance to pick it up - but I can't remember if I explicitly told them that. No matter I thought, we have a letter to say it's being processed, as ex had also noted. I rang back after the expiry date, to see if it was ready to be picked up. It was so we planned a date to go down. It's happened before where we've had a few days in between the visa expiring and being able to pick it up. Back then, it was fine, 'because we had the letter'.
On the phone, ex was 'ex' in full swing. He didn't seem to understand that I was telling him information that I had in fact, told him before and I was passing on information that I'd gotten from the immigration offices. I told him again (about the discrepancy in the 7/ 14 days to process thing) and this time there was a loud ohh, ohhh, oh-no over the phone and something about when I told him, I hadn't given him enough context, and he hung up.
Well, my mind went downhill from there. I know he's going to blame it on me. And this is a big thing this time and it's all my fault. This is what I'm predicting. He's not home yet, so I'll have to sit and wait. I hope he calls and says he's going to stay one more night.
How could this be me, when I'm not even in charge of getting this visa? How can this be my fault when I'm only passing on information from one mouth to another. Every time I ring that damn office, I get different information. But I know, in my heart, that I'll be apologising and taking responsibility for doing something I had no control over. Does he think for a minute, that I wouldn't have paid attention and given him every detail possible so that he wouldn't have to go through this shit? Apparently he does. Why didn't any of those immigration people, note the expiry date themselves? Don't they have to look at these things?
Later, he sms-ed me to ask me to put some money in the bank so that he could draw out the cash from where he was. I had to visit his bank and luckily the customer service officer knew who he was, because I needed them to release his account number so I could put some money in. She was really nice, the money went in and ex was able to access it immediately. I did it, immediately and with no mistakes. I don't think that will count for much.
I don't know if he was more upset that he didn't have enough money on him (not my fault you spend your money on god-knows-what) or whether he really thinks I was the cause of this. And I may never know. He may never talk about it to me, or he might. I just don't know what to expect when he comes home tonight.
All I'm hoping for is that this does not jeopardise our travel plans. So as not to rock the boat and ensure that we leave on time, assuming the visa has been granted, I will take any and all repsonsibility for this and just say that I'll do better next time. Maybe I'll be brave enough to suggest that he call the immigration department himself next time, especially since he speaks the language. I know it makes me a doormat, but I don't care. Just so long as we leave in 18 days.
How can I be so literate in one context and so illiterate in another? It's going to be a xanax night for both of us. Please, universe, let this pass.
I'm a little tense
It's been a slow week. My neck hurts and yesterday I was stretching my back and pulled a muscle so I feel like a bit of a train wreck. I will do my best to hide my pains because there's no point in telling him and I'll avoid the "you've got to be careful how you bend down/lift things" talk that he finds it necessary to give whenever something like this happens. My back was injured years ago when one of my students decided to sit down while I was trying to coax him to follow me. He pulled me and my back did a slight click, which didn't hurt, but a few minutes later I knew something was very wrong. I returned to work a month later having spent most of my time laying flat or in physiotherapy. Now, all it takes is a little stretch the wrong way and I end up having to be very careful for the next few days. It's not as bad as the first time it happened, for sure, but it's quite tender.
*
Yesterday ex left very early to go and pick up our daughter's visa and do some work with a client. I've actually been wanting him to go away so that we could have a break from each other. That's a good sign, me wanting him to go away. After I was able to manage the last meltdown
(yuk, I've just been out to make myself some coffee and discovered signs of another rat in the kitchen - I hate this place) and let go of whatever was making me angry, I noticed a change in ex's behaviour towards me - when he talked to me, he'd just mumble one or two words which I could barely understand and then go back to his room. I couldn't help myself and had to ask what was wrong and he told me there was nothing wrong (in fact nothing I do affects him anymore) and that he was just being cautious and keeping out of my way so that I didn't have a meltdown. What he doesn't realise is that the way he tiptoes around me and treats me like some crazy to be avoided is more likely to lead to a meltdown because, rightly or not, it makes me feel stupid and incompetent and broken and... well I could go on. If he just treated me with a bit more warmth, respect even, the whole thing would dissipate - because that's what we crazies need - acceptance and warmth from other people (and YES, I know I'm not crazy, I'm just making a point about how I perceive that he treats me).
Hmmm... respect. It's a big word with me, in this situation anyway. Outside of this house, people respect me just for what I do and it feels good. It's good for my ego and my self esteem. I respect ex for his talent and ability to see things that never even occur to me. But it's not mutual and it never has been. I've never felt respected by him - I even remember saying it once and I think that has contributed to how I feel about myself (that I'm never good enough for him) in this whole mess of a relationship.
Oh well, that's just the way it is. No point getting worked up about it now. I feel pretty good about myself, what I'm trying to do and how I'm handling things and I don't need his approval anymore. I want it, but I don't need it to continue doing what I'm doing or to feel good about myself - although I do think that deep, deep down, I will always have that little part of me that will always want him to say "I love you just for who you are". Another "oh well"... I don't need to go there. It's a pity (or not) that life's not like TV. On TV, our situation would work out beautifully and we'd all right our wrongs and live happily ever after. No, it's definitely not TV.
*
We've begun packing in earnest now. With 18 days to go, there's been a few developments. Firstly... shortly after the almost meltdown, ex had suggested we take two overnight family trips (this was after our talk and I'd reassured him that I was indeed over it and wasn't about to meltdown). I must admit, I was a bit wary, but I agreed because I don't want to operate in 'fear' mode. The trips were to be to KL and Johor Baru. We were even going to let the kids off school. However, those plans have been a little thwarted because ex's sister (who is really nice) is coming to visit very soon. She lives in the US and we haven't seen her for about 4 years, so now we get to stay home and visit with her before we go. It should be good. We may still go to KL, but we'll see.
Well, that's it for now. That's my news, my thoughts, my whinges, my life. Time to get the kids ready for school and do some more packing because my mum is sitting at home waiting for me. :) (not really, but she said that's what it's like).
cheers
*
Yesterday ex left very early to go and pick up our daughter's visa and do some work with a client. I've actually been wanting him to go away so that we could have a break from each other. That's a good sign, me wanting him to go away. After I was able to manage the last meltdown
(yuk, I've just been out to make myself some coffee and discovered signs of another rat in the kitchen - I hate this place) and let go of whatever was making me angry, I noticed a change in ex's behaviour towards me - when he talked to me, he'd just mumble one or two words which I could barely understand and then go back to his room. I couldn't help myself and had to ask what was wrong and he told me there was nothing wrong (in fact nothing I do affects him anymore) and that he was just being cautious and keeping out of my way so that I didn't have a meltdown. What he doesn't realise is that the way he tiptoes around me and treats me like some crazy to be avoided is more likely to lead to a meltdown because, rightly or not, it makes me feel stupid and incompetent and broken and... well I could go on. If he just treated me with a bit more warmth, respect even, the whole thing would dissipate - because that's what we crazies need - acceptance and warmth from other people (and YES, I know I'm not crazy, I'm just making a point about how I perceive that he treats me).
Hmmm... respect. It's a big word with me, in this situation anyway. Outside of this house, people respect me just for what I do and it feels good. It's good for my ego and my self esteem. I respect ex for his talent and ability to see things that never even occur to me. But it's not mutual and it never has been. I've never felt respected by him - I even remember saying it once and I think that has contributed to how I feel about myself (that I'm never good enough for him) in this whole mess of a relationship.
Oh well, that's just the way it is. No point getting worked up about it now. I feel pretty good about myself, what I'm trying to do and how I'm handling things and I don't need his approval anymore. I want it, but I don't need it to continue doing what I'm doing or to feel good about myself - although I do think that deep, deep down, I will always have that little part of me that will always want him to say "I love you just for who you are". Another "oh well"... I don't need to go there. It's a pity (or not) that life's not like TV. On TV, our situation would work out beautifully and we'd all right our wrongs and live happily ever after. No, it's definitely not TV.
*
We've begun packing in earnest now. With 18 days to go, there's been a few developments. Firstly... shortly after the almost meltdown, ex had suggested we take two overnight family trips (this was after our talk and I'd reassured him that I was indeed over it and wasn't about to meltdown). I must admit, I was a bit wary, but I agreed because I don't want to operate in 'fear' mode. The trips were to be to KL and Johor Baru. We were even going to let the kids off school. However, those plans have been a little thwarted because ex's sister (who is really nice) is coming to visit very soon. She lives in the US and we haven't seen her for about 4 years, so now we get to stay home and visit with her before we go. It should be good. We may still go to KL, but we'll see.
Well, that's it for now. That's my news, my thoughts, my whinges, my life. Time to get the kids ready for school and do some more packing because my mum is sitting at home waiting for me. :) (not really, but she said that's what it's like).
cheers
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
With 24 days to go
Yes, well, with 24 days to go, today I found myself thinking about whether I can really do this for another two years. This first year has been long and hard, interspersed with periods where it wasn't so bad. We've got two more years to go (as per our decision). Living in limbo is like living in mud. You can't really do anything substantial, but then again, if I think about it too much, I may talk myself into NOT being able to do it. Maybe I'm just talking myself into a bit of drama. Ugggh, I can really drive myself nuts. That's what happens when there's no-one around to talk to.
I've recovered from the almost meltdown, and made sure that I told ex that it was just because I was tired. If I tell him the real reason, it would just upset things and there's no point in doing that because there's no resolution. I feel good again and time with my two girlfriends (S and K) helped alot. We're trying to make Monday nights our regular time together, where we meet and talk, just the three of us. It's good D & M talk and we cover most issues - kids, men, husbands, families, ourselves, etc. It's nice to have someone else in the fray to chat to, someone who 'gets' me so we have a laugh together. The other person that 'gets' me is my daughter. I love making her laugh. My son is different and is a bit young for my stupid sense of humour, but he does get it sometimes. Our favourite thing at the moment is playing junior monopoly before bedtime. The son seems to be on a winning streak which is nice because it makes him so happy and my daughter and I enjoy it because we get to be a bit stupid. Sometimes I wish ex would join in, but then it wouldn't be the same because of how awkward we are, so that's pointless wishing for that.
I'm still keeping busy with the autistic centre. The other day we started up a blog, got the email account working, sorted out parent teacher interviews (format, time and rules - ie don't talk to the parents about any other kids besides their own, don't go over half and hour per child, have notes on what you want to say, tell the parents good stories about their children and finally, ask the parents whether they have seen any improvement and what else would they like their child to learn - within reason). So whatever I'm doing there, which seems to be just a lot of talking, is working because the co-ordinator is feeling much better.
The end of the year is coming up really fast, yet at the same time, each day goes so slowly. I'm working on keeping my head level and so sticking to routine things - cooking a decent dinner, keeping the house clean, not going out too much and just taking each day as it comes. Also trying not to spend too much money because I ran out last month. I have no idea if what I spend on groceries is reasonable or not. I know that on average I make about 1500 a month and that by the end of the month, it's all gone. I don't think we eat anything too expensive. I only go to Malacca once a month (if that) and everything else I buy here. Milk and cheese are expensive though (if you count that dollar for dollar). Milk is almost 5 ringgit a litre and we go through about 6 litres a week and cheese is 12 ringgit for one block of Bega tasty, 11 ringgit for a container of Philadelphia cheese and 9 ringgit for sliced cheese. And we'd buy each of these once or twice a month. Ex occasionally asks me to look at what I'm spending to see if I can cut back, but you know, I can never find anything that I really can cut back on. Anyway, we'll just have to manage. Next year I will take on some more English students so it won't be a problem And who knows, ex might have regular work by then.
Ahhh, just another day with everyday niggles. Hope your week and your work are great.
cheers
I've recovered from the almost meltdown, and made sure that I told ex that it was just because I was tired. If I tell him the real reason, it would just upset things and there's no point in doing that because there's no resolution. I feel good again and time with my two girlfriends (S and K) helped alot. We're trying to make Monday nights our regular time together, where we meet and talk, just the three of us. It's good D & M talk and we cover most issues - kids, men, husbands, families, ourselves, etc. It's nice to have someone else in the fray to chat to, someone who 'gets' me so we have a laugh together. The other person that 'gets' me is my daughter. I love making her laugh. My son is different and is a bit young for my stupid sense of humour, but he does get it sometimes. Our favourite thing at the moment is playing junior monopoly before bedtime. The son seems to be on a winning streak which is nice because it makes him so happy and my daughter and I enjoy it because we get to be a bit stupid. Sometimes I wish ex would join in, but then it wouldn't be the same because of how awkward we are, so that's pointless wishing for that.
I'm still keeping busy with the autistic centre. The other day we started up a blog, got the email account working, sorted out parent teacher interviews (format, time and rules - ie don't talk to the parents about any other kids besides their own, don't go over half and hour per child, have notes on what you want to say, tell the parents good stories about their children and finally, ask the parents whether they have seen any improvement and what else would they like their child to learn - within reason). So whatever I'm doing there, which seems to be just a lot of talking, is working because the co-ordinator is feeling much better.
The end of the year is coming up really fast, yet at the same time, each day goes so slowly. I'm working on keeping my head level and so sticking to routine things - cooking a decent dinner, keeping the house clean, not going out too much and just taking each day as it comes. Also trying not to spend too much money because I ran out last month. I have no idea if what I spend on groceries is reasonable or not. I know that on average I make about 1500 a month and that by the end of the month, it's all gone. I don't think we eat anything too expensive. I only go to Malacca once a month (if that) and everything else I buy here. Milk and cheese are expensive though (if you count that dollar for dollar). Milk is almost 5 ringgit a litre and we go through about 6 litres a week and cheese is 12 ringgit for one block of Bega tasty, 11 ringgit for a container of Philadelphia cheese and 9 ringgit for sliced cheese. And we'd buy each of these once or twice a month. Ex occasionally asks me to look at what I'm spending to see if I can cut back, but you know, I can never find anything that I really can cut back on. Anyway, we'll just have to manage. Next year I will take on some more English students so it won't be a problem And who knows, ex might have regular work by then.
Ahhh, just another day with everyday niggles. Hope your week and your work are great.
cheers
Sunday, November 1, 2009
oops, lost it
I lost it today. Lost my cool, my patience and precisely because I can't say anything, my stability went too. In it's place came anger and frustration and of course, a few tears. I tried to keep myself together, but the same destructive thoughts kept fighting their way to the surface.
The frustration started Friday night and I did something I'm totally ashamed of. We were driving to my English class and the kids were whinging or something and I pulled over very suddenly, and lost it. Enough to make them cry, which made everything even worse. We do get over this quite quickly because by the time it came to go home, everything was back to normal. But I wish I hadn't reacted that way. My son so pointedly said that he felt like the adult and mummy was the child and that made him angry. Point taken son! Yesterday was a little better, but today, it all got too much. Everyday it's computer this, computer that, I want to play, I want you mummy, mummy please play with me, come on mummy, mummy I'm hungry, mummy help me. Mummy, mummy, mummy - all the time. I try to get them to go to ex, but they don't want to. And he calls them in but they only stay with him for about 5 minutes, then they drift back to my room. Perhaps I've made them too dependent on me and I'm sure my daughter worries about me to and consequently wants to take care of me - which shouldn't (edited) be any child's responsibility.
So what was the last straw? Ex had come out of his room while the kids and I were taking it easy, playing games on the computer. It's become a bit obsessive really, so I need to curtail their use. But anyway, there we were and ex came out and wanted the kids to do some chores, so they started whinging and so he lost it with them. I didn't think it was fair because he doesn't spend a lot of time with them and when he does, he's quite hard on them - no fair to them. And when he's like this with them, it brings back all of my memories of how we were - he would tell me how to do something and his way was the right way (he would tell you opposite). So I started feeling defensive for them - they try, they do, but gee, they're only young, so be a little gentle. I take it as personally for them as I did for myself and that further clarifies that we could never be happy together. And brings up really bad memories, for both of us I suspect. I just can't imagine what's going through his mind.
To relieve some of the pressure, I took the kids for ice-cream and a bit of window shopping. We spent two hours out and it seemed like 5 minutes. But the change in our demeanour was obvious - smiles returned and it really felt like the pressure had been taken off, but it could have been the effects of the xanax I'd taken earlier.
So tonight, I can't be with them because I have 'messy mind' - that's how I explain it to the kids. I'm taking myself out of the picture for a little while. I told ex I wasn't feeling well and needed tonight to rest. I'll cook but I'm not eating and I want you to look after the kids. He said yes immediately. I never get any arguments from him when I'm like this. Jilian cried. She just wants to be with me. At the moment she's very clingy. She doesn't enjoy being with him a lot and my son, well he didn't mind because he only cares about whether he can play. I hate leaving them, but better this than going completely ballistic later on and doing something I'm really going to regret (like screaming at ex).
One of the other things that sets me off in a situation like this is that if ex decides the kids need to learn a skill, I take it as him seeing me as being in the wrong - like I should have already taught them that skill and it's like he can't believe that they don't know how to do what he's teaching them. He doesn't realise that I probably have taught them, but they haven't picked it up yet or have forgotten and gone back to their old habits. Even if that particular agenda is not there, I think it is and take it as such. And I've been a bit bored and lonley this weekend, so that hasn't helped.
So here I am, on xanax, which is starting to kick in now. It's 8.10pm. I'm going to sleep for as long as possible. If I wake early, I'm going for a long walk to calm my mind and get myself out of the house.
This will pass and I will be better in the morning. This is not a full on meltdown, more a pre-cursor. Just something that needs to be managed. And this is how I'm managing it.
Night
The frustration started Friday night and I did something I'm totally ashamed of. We were driving to my English class and the kids were whinging or something and I pulled over very suddenly, and lost it. Enough to make them cry, which made everything even worse. We do get over this quite quickly because by the time it came to go home, everything was back to normal. But I wish I hadn't reacted that way. My son so pointedly said that he felt like the adult and mummy was the child and that made him angry. Point taken son! Yesterday was a little better, but today, it all got too much. Everyday it's computer this, computer that, I want to play, I want you mummy, mummy please play with me, come on mummy, mummy I'm hungry, mummy help me. Mummy, mummy, mummy - all the time. I try to get them to go to ex, but they don't want to. And he calls them in but they only stay with him for about 5 minutes, then they drift back to my room. Perhaps I've made them too dependent on me and I'm sure my daughter worries about me to and consequently wants to take care of me - which shouldn't (edited) be any child's responsibility.
So what was the last straw? Ex had come out of his room while the kids and I were taking it easy, playing games on the computer. It's become a bit obsessive really, so I need to curtail their use. But anyway, there we were and ex came out and wanted the kids to do some chores, so they started whinging and so he lost it with them. I didn't think it was fair because he doesn't spend a lot of time with them and when he does, he's quite hard on them - no fair to them. And when he's like this with them, it brings back all of my memories of how we were - he would tell me how to do something and his way was the right way (he would tell you opposite). So I started feeling defensive for them - they try, they do, but gee, they're only young, so be a little gentle. I take it as personally for them as I did for myself and that further clarifies that we could never be happy together. And brings up really bad memories, for both of us I suspect. I just can't imagine what's going through his mind.
To relieve some of the pressure, I took the kids for ice-cream and a bit of window shopping. We spent two hours out and it seemed like 5 minutes. But the change in our demeanour was obvious - smiles returned and it really felt like the pressure had been taken off, but it could have been the effects of the xanax I'd taken earlier.
So tonight, I can't be with them because I have 'messy mind' - that's how I explain it to the kids. I'm taking myself out of the picture for a little while. I told ex I wasn't feeling well and needed tonight to rest. I'll cook but I'm not eating and I want you to look after the kids. He said yes immediately. I never get any arguments from him when I'm like this. Jilian cried. She just wants to be with me. At the moment she's very clingy. She doesn't enjoy being with him a lot and my son, well he didn't mind because he only cares about whether he can play. I hate leaving them, but better this than going completely ballistic later on and doing something I'm really going to regret (like screaming at ex).
One of the other things that sets me off in a situation like this is that if ex decides the kids need to learn a skill, I take it as him seeing me as being in the wrong - like I should have already taught them that skill and it's like he can't believe that they don't know how to do what he's teaching them. He doesn't realise that I probably have taught them, but they haven't picked it up yet or have forgotten and gone back to their old habits. Even if that particular agenda is not there, I think it is and take it as such. And I've been a bit bored and lonley this weekend, so that hasn't helped.
So here I am, on xanax, which is starting to kick in now. It's 8.10pm. I'm going to sleep for as long as possible. If I wake early, I'm going for a long walk to calm my mind and get myself out of the house.
This will pass and I will be better in the morning. This is not a full on meltdown, more a pre-cursor. Just something that needs to be managed. And this is how I'm managing it.
Night
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