It's not over yet....

I've decided to keep blogging. I didn't want it to end that way, so I've restored my entries and changed my security settings to ensure that it doesn't come up in search engines (that's how he found it) and only people on a special list can access it. If you're reading this, you are on that list.

For now, I can't 'not' write. Writing this stuff down has given me a voice, a place to put all the shit in my head that I didn't want to (and couldn't) unload on ex or my friends. It's also given me a place to write the good things down in my life that I don't want to forget. And I've met some fine people here. It's helped me a lot and you know what, in a funny way, I feel relieved that all my feelings are out on the table now. Ex knows what I feel, how I think. He said nothing in this blog came as a surprise - nothing. He didn't see the progress or any change, he only saw the parts that spoke badly of him, the parts that blame him for our problems. He thinks I want him to take full responsibility for our situation, but I don't. A little maybe, but not all. How can so many problems be just one person's fault? Everyone I've ever spoken to has said the same thing, it takes two.

He couldn't reconcile the fact that I was writing this about him and still wanting to get back together. I didn't understand it myself and I wrote as much. This blog is a venting point, a place to put all the shit that accumulated in my head over all the dysfunctional years we've been together and then some. It was not meant as a personal attack on him. If I'd wanted that, I would have written much worse things about him than I did.

To his absolute credit, he's been able to put his feelings (and they were really intense) about this aside and not take it personally. So when I saw him again the next day, it was as though it had never happened. He talked to me about it but he wasn't angry, just normal. He said he wants to stop the cycle of hate and will do so by choosing not to hate me for doing this. He does not want to enter into a world (my world) where hate and resentment are the dominating emotions. After all, he said, he knows I think this way anyway.

I'm grateful that he's taken the higher road because to do any less would be a disaster. I didn't do anything wrong, even if he did take it personally. It was never for his eyes, never meant to be read by him or anyone who knows him. If he can put it aside and continue to treat me respectfully, then only good will come of it. There are kids involved and they still need both of us to treat each other well.

One interesting thing I found out was that he could say the worst things imaginable to me and I didn't feel a thing. Not. one. thing. He said I betrayed him that he deserved better and I didn't. That no-one could love me, not with the way I am. That I didn't deserve to be loved. He called me two-faced and said he was so angry with me that he wanted to hurt me. And then said that if he'd written or said anything half as bad as what I said about him, I'd be a dribbling mess. All the while, I sat there and listened to this (kids were out of the house) and I didn't feel a damn thing. I was not a dribbling mess, I wasn't much of anything really. I just sat there and let him go on. I don't know if it was because I didn't care or because I was numb from the horror of him finding this. Even when I tried to explain that what he'd just said was way worse than anything I'd written, he cut me off and went on about something else. I gave up trying to explain and be right and let him be. Well, we each live our own realities, don't we?

And that's what we've agreed on. That we each have our own reality and that for both of us, it's different. Irreconcilable differences. That's grounds for divorce, isn't it?

End

This blog is ending here and now. To the father of my children, I'm sorry you found it. I get angry with you sometimes and vent my feelings here. These are not all of my thoughts about you though. The other times I thought good of you, appreciated you for who you were. You think I'm lying. I'm not. I needed this place to vent the thoughts I couldn't say to you, to get perspective on a situation that is, for both of us, very difficult. This is where the BPD went, for most of the time.

If I look at it through your eyes, they are nasty, stupid thoughts. They tell people I am a victim and you are the perpetrator. It is not true. I am the perpetrator, who has done wrong by you, who has destroyed you, who has taken away the essence of who you are. You deserve better. You are the one who has let me stay here, who has given me the chance to get better, who has been here for me and listened to me rave on and I betrayed you by writing hurtful things about you when you annoyed me or I got angry with you. You are not the cause of this, it is not your fault.

I am despicable. I didn't speak enough about the nice things you did. I know you can never forgive me now. I know you hate me. I would hate me too. This blog doesn't give you the credit you deserve and you deserve credit for being here and letting me be here.

I am truly sorry for all the misery and unhappiness I have caused you. I hope you find happiness in your life and peace that will restore the gentle and kind person you are.

I should read my own blog

I've just read this post... dreams and realised what an idiot I can be. In it, I talk about dreaming about me and ex and how I can accept that they are what they are - just dreams, not to be taken seriously. And what did I do? Go and tell ex about my thoughts of wanting to get back together. Unbelievable. Sometimes I think I deserve what I get I mean, how can I forget something written so recently. How can I contradict myself so badly?

Uggh, I make myself sick.

Finally, things are back to normal

Well, here I am again. In the middle of all that has been over the last few days, my computer crashed itself into oblivion and needed a little reformatting - if there ever is such a thing. Luckily for me I have the sense not to keep my data and my OS on the same hard disk so I didn't lose much of anything - at least I don't think so.

Ex and I are both recovering from the BPD spiral, as he calls it. I'm OK and my 'feelings' are back to normal. No, I do not want to get back with him and yes, I do want to be here to take care of the kids and let them be with their father. If you ask ex, it's the other way around - he's letting me be here to be with them - like I'm some mental patient, which I guess I look like when I spiral down. Every time I do this, I think it will push him over the edge and that will be it for me - kicked out, no kids. The panic about that always comes after, when it would be too late to do anything about it anyway. I do need to get control over this though, I just don't quite know how to.

So it's late, I'm OK again. Thankyou INC, Melba and Pete for thinking of me and helping me through this. I love you all for it. And Melba, I appreciate your straight-forward comments, really I do. Sometimes I just need to be told. Thankyou all again.

'Night.

Through the mill and back again

The holiday I had, the four days of fat free, healthy, no dairy food or refined sugars, seems like a dream. If it wasn't for the 'personal health profile' sitting on my sofa bed and the scales showing me to be 2 kilos lighter than I was, I'd could swear it didn't happen. Side note: my blood profile shows I'm actually healthy, I just need to up my exercise and intake of wholemeal products.

I don't feel like I've had a holiday though. After I came back, I crashed badly. I wanted (and still want to) chuck it all in and come home. It was bad, really bad. I screamed, tantrumed and cried all day. I took xanax to calm the worst of it. Then, waking from the stupor it induces, I cried some more. It was the worst BPD episode I've had in a long time, from what I can remember anyway.

I am on the other side now, slowly climbing my way back to the normality I had created for myself. I'm not there yet though, things are still very fragile, the pain and anger are lurking below the surface, waiting for any opportunity to burst through. Ex, unable to handle the stress and tensions created by this, went for dinner at 9 and didn't return til 9 this morning. He's sleeping now.

Before I left, things had been going smoothly - friendly, smiling, comfortable. And I'd been having dreams (damn dreams) about getting back together and how nice it would be, now that I've changed and grown up. I'd forgotten our conversation about not fantasizing about reality, a serious mistake on my part. I thought when I came back I would talk about it with him.

Then I came home and found out that ex has someone else. Someone outside of this life, someone he cares for and wants to be with. There is no hope, for us, ever and it hurts like hell. I know before I've said I've accepted that, but somehow, somewhere deep down, I did still have hope that we had a second chance - even for the sake of the children. And I do still have some good feelings for him. Feelings that I don't ever think will go away.

I didn't confront him with my knowledge ( I do know for sure), but asked him instead whether we had a chance now that things were going a lot more smoothly. After beating around the bush, blah, blah, blah, he said "OK, you want to know? No, there is no going back. I do not want to go back there ever. The memories are so bad, I just can't go there." Then I asked if there was a third party in all of this. He said it didn't matter, he does not want to go back there. In the next breath he said he doesn't know what's going to happen down the track. I think that's his way of placating me - bastard, just give me the reality so I can deal with it.

My family would be looking at me now wondering why in hell would I ever want to get back together with him. I don't quite understand it myself, but I know that it's to do with the desire to save our children from ever having to part with either of us. I got it into my head that I would do anything for that not to happen and getting back together seems to be the only solution that will save us all from the pain that will ensue. That may not be rational, but it's the truth and this blog is where I put my truth.

So I want to get back together, find out he actually does have someone else and subsequently spriralled down to hell, kicking and screaming on the way and dragging him down with me. I was grateful that the kids were away with my mother in law.

In a single day, I destroyed any fragile confidence that he had in me that I could remain stable. He said he only sees it as a setback. I hope he's being truthful. As I sit here writing this, I want to scream and shout and kick and plead and grovel for him to get back together. I'm pathetic. The 'want' is so bad, I would do anything to get it, just like a drug addict.

In this mode right now, even with what I know, I don't know how to make it go away. Xanax is not the solution. I want what I want and I want it now. Not rational I know. I will have to be strong to make this desire go away, otherwise I will start making stupid, regrettable decisions that will destroy whatever fragile existence we have.

If you have a god, please pray for me. If you don't, send me your positive thoughts. I need all the help I can get. But I will get through this. I have to. My sanity, my children's stability and the rest of my life, depends on it.

Last post before my holiday - hurt.

That's a witty title for a blog post, isn't it (not)? I'm supposed to leave tomorrow morning for a few days at a health retreat. A bit of quiet, relaxation, massage, exercise, vegan food and no kids. I say 'supposed' because I'm going with other people and sometimes you never know what comes up.

I finished my English lesson this morning and was relieved that it was the last class I'd have to do for a while. I definitely need a rest.

Though, enough of that, we all know I'm tired and I don't need to keep saying so. There's much work to be done. I need to spring clean my room because my mother-in-law is coming to stay and watch the kids. I need to do the housework, shop for groceries and do the washing. I need to pack my bag and oh yes, I need to go to the pharmacy. I probably won't get to post while I'm away, but we'll see. My friends are bringing their laptop with them and I know that place has wi-fi, so if I can get online, I'll blog about it.

Over lunch today I caught one of my favourite movies. Mrs Doubtfire. I love Robin Williams, he never fails to make me laugh. I've loved his wit and spontaneity since the days of Mork and Mindy. But I didn't laugh so much today. In fact, I cried. But not for the movie. I'd forgotten the storyline involves the finality of a marriage break-up. The father gets ousted, not allowed to see his kids and they can't see him. In the big picture of (initially) a very funny movie, you don't notice the break-up so much (at least I didn't) but today it struck a really raw nerve.

I know I don't want my kids to go through this. I don't want them to bear the pain of what is going to happen. Even though we live day to day and the '3 year mark' is still a long way off, I still think about it. That day, in my mind, when we 3 will leave, and the kids will have to say goodbye to their father, who loves them to bits and who they adore. I don't want it. Knowing they will have to do this breaks my heart to no end, a perpetual hurt that lurks beneath the surface and erupts when I am alone and vulnerable. In the past two weeks, it's erupted twice. Pure emotion, that no philosophy or book or 'self-help strategy' has been able to stop. Triggered by scenes on tv, it just comes forth and only stops when there is no more. It is the heartbreak I have for my children and what they will go through when we leave this place. It is not anger, it is not Borderline anything, just sadness and helplessness and regret that things couldn't be different. To my children, I say, I am so sorry papa and I couldn't make it work, so sorry that you couldn't have both of us together. Just so, so sorry.

No amount of reading will temper this feeling. The only way to get through it is to, well.... get through it. Let it come and go. Give it its time and it will pass and the pain will become less. And I will tell my children the same. That it's OK to be sad, because a family breaking up IS sad and it's OK to cry. And if you cry, you can get some of the pain and anger out. And then you can get on with your life, knowing that although your parents can't be together, they love you very, very much, more than you could ever imagine.

And in the quiet of every night, I still wonder to myself, am I doing the right thing?


See you in a bit.

Big week

It's the last week of the school term and it's been a big one - and it's only Thursday and somehow, in between all the teaching and housework I'm doing, I still managed a meltdown - medium intensity but had to take xanax all the same. So to answer my mother in laws question (what, what's keeping you so busy?), I'll take this time to reflect on my schedule.

Monday: Wake up at 9 (I know that sounds late, but I don't get to bed til 1 or 2 am), kids tutor comes for 2 hours (10 til 12), do housework, 11.30 prepare lunch, send kids to school, go to autistic centre for at least 2 hours, 3pm. come home, rest a bit, make dinner, 6pm pick up kids, dinner, English centre from 6.30 - 9, come home and coach my own kids doing homework til 11 and then get them to bed. Try to wind down and go to sleep.

Tuesday: Sleep til 10 (no tutor today). Up, breakfast and do housework, prepare lunch and bags and shit for school, get kids ready, send them to school at 12.30, go autistic centre til 2.30, come home, shower, student arrives at 3.30 and 4.30 (two of them), finish with them at 5.30, start dinner, pick up kids, finish cooking dinner, serve dinner, go English centre at 7.15, finish there at 9, come home and coach kids homeowork til 11. Wind down and bed.

Wednesday: Up by 9, tutor coming at 10 - 12, housework and prepare school shit. Ex drops kids at school and I have lunch and rest til 2.30. Student comes at 2.30, another arrives at 3.30, I finish with them at 5.30. Relax and cook dinner. No english centre. Coach kids homework, kids in bed by 10.30.

Thursday: Morning as usual. Ex sends kids to school, no autistic centre, so can do housework til 2-ish (or watch tv and eat lunch). Student comes at 2.30, another arrives at 4.30. I'm finished by 5.30. Shower. Don't cook today - ex takes them out for dinner. At english centre by 6.10 for fill in class, teach my own class at 7.30 (til 9 or so), then home. Do kids homework and endeavour to get them to sleep by 11.30.

Friday: Morning bullshit. Send kids to school. Go autistic centre for a few hours. Come home, shower and prepare lessons for english class tonight and my new english class at home on Sat, mornings. Cook something for dinner. English centre at 7.30, finish there at 10.30. Go for supper if not too tired with friends and the kids.

Saturday morning. Up at 8, shower and tidy up. Eat something. Kids for new english class arrive by 9. 3 hours of englishy goodness and fun. Kids go, my own kids go off for a piano lesson and I go grocery shopping. Pick them up at 2 and take them for lunch. Go home. Relax.

Sunday: Relax... or go to Malacca for meat shopping.

Phew! The fill in classes are only temporary, which I'm glad for. I don't mind being busy as long as I'm organised, which I usually am these days. That wasn't always the case though, but that's another blog.

Next week is school holidays and I'm going to this health farm thing with friends. 3 nights, 4 days. My friends almost cancelled on me because they got a notice about going to some compulsory education department workshop thing and then also remembered that their daughter is leaving for her National Service duty on the day we were due to get back. Come on, people, get organised! I was disappointed when they cancelled, but after talking to them, they've decided that they can still go, we just have to come back a night earlier. That's OK with me. I just didn't want to lose my RM 500 deposit that I'd handed to them a day earlier.

I had a minor meltdown yesterday. Ex had left the car with an empty petrol tank after taking it out twice and I got really shitty and it spiralled down from there. I roped everything in - fucking moron drivers, park every-fucking-where, never consider other people, stupid disorganised husband of my best friend can't get his act together and has to cancel our holiday, why can't he just give her some independence and why can't she just take it, fucking ex and his secretive bullshit that drives me crazy (ie he shuts off his monitor whenever I walk into the room so I don't see what he's doing - he's either playing cards or reading forums about god-knows-what - like I should never see or know what he's up to) and to top it all off, I'd asked my son to help me in with the shopping and I was locking the car and could hear him saying over and over again, Mummy is a loser, mummy is a loser. Now, I'm pretty tough when it comes to hearing things like that coz, kids'll say those things, but for me yesterday, it really was the last straw. And of course, above all, I just wanted to go home. I reminded myself that the urge would pass. Morning came and it had, as always.

It was a good thing the meltdown happened on a Wednesday (I don't have night classes) because the xanax I took around 6.30 knocked me flat. The important thing was though, it stopped the spiral. When ex came into the kitchen and saw something was wrong, I broke down a bit and told him I had to take xanax. Then he got all gentle and nice and said never mind, we just have to do what we have to do and if xanax helps, then that's good. I love it/hate it when he's so nice to me. Makes the situation more difficult because it starts off that "wouldn't it be nice if we were back together" bullshit that goes around in my brain sometimes. But don't worry dear family, he's back to his usual self tonight, saying I really need to teach my son to undo his school shoe laces much faster!!! - so that's straightened out my thinking for me.

So it's time for bed. I've had enough thinking for now. Have a nice weekend.