We sat up til 6am, my Dad and I, after I'd flown into Melbourne at 2am. It felt good to be back as we talked I caught up with all that's taken place in the light of mum being sick. What's obvious is that we are all on a steep learning curve, whether we want to be or not.
Mum is learning that she can't push herself too much, she has to take it easy in order to get better. It's going to take time, so she will need to learn patience as well. Meanwhile, Dad is learning to cover all things domestic - cleaning, paying bills and lookng after mum. My brother is staying with them right now too and he can cook, so I'm glad for that - he is a better cook than I am. For my brother, my sister and me, we are learning how to look after our parents and how to co-operate together.
My first day here I was impressed with the way we worked together. I was with my dad picking up mum from the hospital. During that time, my sister visited the house, vaccuumed and saw that there wasn't much food around and so went shopping for some goodies which we later discovered. It was great. Then when brother came home, he too had been shopping and so was able to make us all quite a yummy dinner. We didn't plan to 'work together' but we each saw a need and were able to jump in and do what needed to be done. And mum and dad noticed and were pleased.
I am also on a high learning curve. I'm not good with icky things, medicine and the like butI've had to put that aside for now and just deal with it. Helping mum shower, get dressed and take her medication on time are some of the things I'm doing as well as keeping her appointments organised and sorting out her medication.
Probably the thing that really blew me away was the amount of medication she has to take. Powerful pain killers like oxycontin are taken twice daily as well as a slew of others - some to counter side effects, some to keep her blood pressure in check, some for depression.. the list goes on. She's also on an antibiotic drip, so a nurse comes daily to change the bottle and keep a check on her. I made sure I asked the nurse about her pain medication and what could be used with what. You hear so many stories of people mixing up their medication, sometimes with fatal consequences, it's damn scary. The medication is also making her confused and when she realises that she is confused, she feels bad. I feel bad for her because my mother is a proud woman, not used to being so out of control with what's happening to her.
She is improving though and that's the good thing. I'm so glad I came because she is grateful that I'm here to help. It was important to her that I come, so I made a good decision. I'm sorry for her that I can't stay more than two weeks, but I do need to get back to my children, who I know are missing me. They are OK, as far as I can gather. Ex reassured me that he would take care of them and that they'd be OK.
I'm happy that I followed my instincts. I could have listened to ex instead and not come, but listneing to myself, knowing that it was the right thing for me to do has boosted my faith in myself better than anything ex could ever say.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Home
I AM coming home, though I was only able to confirm it yesterday 5 pm. That's when my credit card authorisation went through to the ticket office. After trying to send it all day via email and calling the office on and off to see if they'd recieved it, it finally went through. It always happens that way. You think something should be easy to do and end up having to jump through hoops to do it. Book a ticket online - easy (NOT) - it took me a whole day to do something that should have taken 20 minutes.
No matter, it's done. I have my ticket and leave on Sunday, arriving in Melbourne at the ungodly hour of 2am. I feel a bit guilty going, but I spoke to mum the other day and I want to see her, talk to her and tell her that this will pass.
The conversation with ex about going went better than I expected, but not as good as I'd hoped. There was his usual - you have to look at why you're going because you know what you're like... But then there was - I know what I say won't make a difference, that you're going anyway. There were no compelling reasons for me to not go, so he was right in that sense - I'm going anyway. But I'm going because I think it's the right thing to do - I'd spoken to a few people about it and they agree - and would certainly do the same - that I should go see Mum for a while. The kids are busy with school and homework, I've managed to put a hold on all my classes without too much trouble and I'll be back in two weeks.
So it's sorted. But something's not quite right. I can sense his tension like it was my own. He's angry or troubled by something and I don't know what it is. I never know. And when he does tell me, I never understand why he is so angry. It never seems like a big deal to me, but it is to him. I guess I have to accept that. Like the other day, I came to him and asked him to do the dishes tonight. I never like asking him to do things, either because I'm too proud or I'm scared of the reaction I assume (not always correctly) I'll get. I went to him and said "Ex, could you do the dishes tonight because my hands are cracked and sore." I said it in a normal voice, or so I thought. It was a simple request, or so I thought. I thought wrong, and I didn't even know it until later, when I sensed his anger.
He was angry because I'd said "... because my hands are cracked..." and took it to mean that because he'd missed doing the dishes, I'd had to sacrifice myself and do them and as a result my allergy had flared up... so my cracked hands were his fault. I'd put it on him. I'd blamed him, like I had so many countless times before when I blamed all our problems on him being too fussy or pedantic or whatever else we said in those days. He was so angry, I had to insist that that wasn't what I meant at all and please, it was just a request. I told him that if I thought saying that would lead to this kind of feeling, did he really think I would do that - would I jeopardise the fragile peace that we've built for ourselves over such a stupid thing? I wouldn't. He insisted that whether I meant it or not, that's how it came out - in whiny, victim voice "Oh, ex, could you do the dishes, my hands are cracked..." At that point I lost it. I shouted at him (which is something I really try to avoid) and told him that I couldn't talk about it anymore and that he was being unfair - and I stormed out -and of course immediately regretted it, especially since the kids were right there.
I feel like he does that so often - makes what I say or do into me doing something to him. Like if I take a long time putting the kids to bed, it (used to be) would be taken as me trying to avoid him. Or when I left for that long stay in 07, it was taken as abandoning our family rather than as what it really was (saving my sanity). And the thing is, he doesn't see himself as doing it and it's totally justified.
Sometimes I wonder if what I see and think is actually what is real. It's my reality, that's for sure, but I don't think it's his. It's like we're from different planets and neither can really understand what it's like for the other one. At all. Sad really, when so many years ago, we only had eyes for each other.
Of course, my mind always wonders why he can't be like I want him to be - if only this or if only that, what am I doing wrong, why aren't I good enough... the list goes on. But it's the same for him isn't it? If only I was the way he liked people to be, if only I was more logical, less emotional, more in control... rah, rah, rah. I'm still sad that we're not going to be together any more, but that's life isn't it. People change and grow, or don't, and are not suited to be together anymore. Just the way it is.
Night people. See some of you next week.
No matter, it's done. I have my ticket and leave on Sunday, arriving in Melbourne at the ungodly hour of 2am. I feel a bit guilty going, but I spoke to mum the other day and I want to see her, talk to her and tell her that this will pass.
The conversation with ex about going went better than I expected, but not as good as I'd hoped. There was his usual - you have to look at why you're going because you know what you're like... But then there was - I know what I say won't make a difference, that you're going anyway. There were no compelling reasons for me to not go, so he was right in that sense - I'm going anyway. But I'm going because I think it's the right thing to do - I'd spoken to a few people about it and they agree - and would certainly do the same - that I should go see Mum for a while. The kids are busy with school and homework, I've managed to put a hold on all my classes without too much trouble and I'll be back in two weeks.
So it's sorted. But something's not quite right. I can sense his tension like it was my own. He's angry or troubled by something and I don't know what it is. I never know. And when he does tell me, I never understand why he is so angry. It never seems like a big deal to me, but it is to him. I guess I have to accept that. Like the other day, I came to him and asked him to do the dishes tonight. I never like asking him to do things, either because I'm too proud or I'm scared of the reaction I assume (not always correctly) I'll get. I went to him and said "Ex, could you do the dishes tonight because my hands are cracked and sore." I said it in a normal voice, or so I thought. It was a simple request, or so I thought. I thought wrong, and I didn't even know it until later, when I sensed his anger.
He was angry because I'd said "... because my hands are cracked..." and took it to mean that because he'd missed doing the dishes, I'd had to sacrifice myself and do them and as a result my allergy had flared up... so my cracked hands were his fault. I'd put it on him. I'd blamed him, like I had so many countless times before when I blamed all our problems on him being too fussy or pedantic or whatever else we said in those days. He was so angry, I had to insist that that wasn't what I meant at all and please, it was just a request. I told him that if I thought saying that would lead to this kind of feeling, did he really think I would do that - would I jeopardise the fragile peace that we've built for ourselves over such a stupid thing? I wouldn't. He insisted that whether I meant it or not, that's how it came out - in whiny, victim voice "Oh, ex, could you do the dishes, my hands are cracked..." At that point I lost it. I shouted at him (which is something I really try to avoid) and told him that I couldn't talk about it anymore and that he was being unfair - and I stormed out -and of course immediately regretted it, especially since the kids were right there.
I feel like he does that so often - makes what I say or do into me doing something to him. Like if I take a long time putting the kids to bed, it (used to be) would be taken as me trying to avoid him. Or when I left for that long stay in 07, it was taken as abandoning our family rather than as what it really was (saving my sanity). And the thing is, he doesn't see himself as doing it and it's totally justified.
Sometimes I wonder if what I see and think is actually what is real. It's my reality, that's for sure, but I don't think it's his. It's like we're from different planets and neither can really understand what it's like for the other one. At all. Sad really, when so many years ago, we only had eyes for each other.
Of course, my mind always wonders why he can't be like I want him to be - if only this or if only that, what am I doing wrong, why aren't I good enough... the list goes on. But it's the same for him isn't it? If only I was the way he liked people to be, if only I was more logical, less emotional, more in control... rah, rah, rah. I'm still sad that we're not going to be together any more, but that's life isn't it. People change and grow, or don't, and are not suited to be together anymore. Just the way it is.
Night people. See some of you next week.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
She's doing well
Mum is doing better, thank goodness. After spending two (?) days in ICU she's now out of there and into a ward, but still in the infectious diseases unit. All going to plan, she could be out in a week. I'd like to visit her in early April, which is not too far away. She'll be home, I can do things for her and we can spend long hours sitting and chatting together. I can cook and clean and give Dad a break. I can give her some emotional support and show her that she is important.
Here's what ex will say when I tell him
Ex: But I thought she was getting better?
Me: She is... but she's still very weak and I want to go see her. She needs me and I know my visit will make a difference to her, so I want to go.
Ex: Well, you know how you NEED things, how that urge is so strong...
Me: I do know, but I've thought about this and I think it's the right thing to do.
Ex: Well, you know what you want (said with a tinge of sarcasm)
Me: yep,
Me: walk away... have meltdown, recover and hopefully still book ticket.
Or, less likely, the conversation could go this way:
Me: I've decided to go visit mum for two weeks. I'd like to go early April
Ex: OK, just give me the dates and I'll drive you to the airport. Don't worry about the kids, they'll be fine - just write me a schedule because I don't know what it is.
Me: Thanks, that'd be great.
Me: No meltdown, go book ticket and pack.
Wouldn't the second conversation be wonderful? The first conversation is the more likely one though. There is always some element of doubt in his words that say to me "Are you sure you're doing the right thing, because I don't and I think you're wasting your time" - just that horrible doubt that he has is enough to send me over the edge. There's no trust in my judgement, no compassion in his words or feelings. To me, he doesn't seem to understand the value of emotional support at all. Oh well, I don't really need it from him anyway. I got you guys. :)
*
Now all I have to do is to wait for her to get home. If she doesn't come home within the week, I'll still go at some stage. I'll organise a few things first though - get daughter back into morning routine and make sure ex knows what happens when. I'll need to write him a schedule and organise with my mum in law to cook for a few nights. I need to cancel my students and organise to replace some English classes that I'm teaching.
And that reminds me... this is my last year of teaching here. I'm stopping at the end of the year. Next year I need to focus on getting my head together and getting home. It sounds so soon doesn't it, but it's not. There's a lot of things to take care of, including the talk we have to have at the end of the year. That will not be fun.
Anyway, things are OK here. Thankyou for reading this little blog - you do mean a lot to me.
Here's what ex will say when I tell him
Ex: But I thought she was getting better?
Me: She is... but she's still very weak and I want to go see her. She needs me and I know my visit will make a difference to her, so I want to go.
Ex: Well, you know how you NEED things, how that urge is so strong...
Me: I do know, but I've thought about this and I think it's the right thing to do.
Ex: Well, you know what you want (said with a tinge of sarcasm)
Me: yep,
Me: walk away... have meltdown, recover and hopefully still book ticket.
Or, less likely, the conversation could go this way:
Me: I've decided to go visit mum for two weeks. I'd like to go early April
Ex: OK, just give me the dates and I'll drive you to the airport. Don't worry about the kids, they'll be fine - just write me a schedule because I don't know what it is.
Me: Thanks, that'd be great.
Me: No meltdown, go book ticket and pack.
Wouldn't the second conversation be wonderful? The first conversation is the more likely one though. There is always some element of doubt in his words that say to me "Are you sure you're doing the right thing, because I don't and I think you're wasting your time" - just that horrible doubt that he has is enough to send me over the edge. There's no trust in my judgement, no compassion in his words or feelings. To me, he doesn't seem to understand the value of emotional support at all. Oh well, I don't really need it from him anyway. I got you guys. :)
*
Now all I have to do is to wait for her to get home. If she doesn't come home within the week, I'll still go at some stage. I'll organise a few things first though - get daughter back into morning routine and make sure ex knows what happens when. I'll need to write him a schedule and organise with my mum in law to cook for a few nights. I need to cancel my students and organise to replace some English classes that I'm teaching.
And that reminds me... this is my last year of teaching here. I'm stopping at the end of the year. Next year I need to focus on getting my head together and getting home. It sounds so soon doesn't it, but it's not. There's a lot of things to take care of, including the talk we have to have at the end of the year. That will not be fun.
Anyway, things are OK here. Thankyou for reading this little blog - you do mean a lot to me.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Mum
What I wouldn't give, to be able to take your place, just to take the pain away. I do so much, want to be there to hold your hand while you fight this latest bad turn of events. Don't let this pnuemonia get you OK, you have to be strong. The kids are I are sending you huge hugs from us, to help make you well. I'll call you and send messages everyday and if you don't get better, I'm on a plane on Thursday afternoon. I'm not even gonna pack. Just me and a backpack. I'll bring the kids to see you later in the year ok. For now, just concentrate on getting well.
You need to get well so that you can laugh with me, you know that stupid quirky sense of humour we both have. The one that makes us laugh til we cry. You're my mum and even though we weren't close for a long time, we are now and you don't know how much it means for us to all see you in the good place you've worked hard to be in. I am so proud of you for what you've done for yourself and the way you work hard to make each day count. You never stop giving to us. And the grandkids, they need you. You always go the extra mile with them - for mine, when we were there, there were favourite meals cooked, visits to the park, picnics and walks with the dog - even when it hurt you or you were tired, you still did it. You're a living example of dogged determination - and that determination is what is going to get you through this. You're not going to let this beat you, not if you can help it, dammit. I know you. You want your life back and if you have any say in it, you will get it back. No-one tells Liz that she can't do something, right Mum? Right!
You need to get well so that you can laugh with me, you know that stupid quirky sense of humour we both have. The one that makes us laugh til we cry. You're my mum and even though we weren't close for a long time, we are now and you don't know how much it means for us to all see you in the good place you've worked hard to be in. I am so proud of you for what you've done for yourself and the way you work hard to make each day count. You never stop giving to us. And the grandkids, they need you. You always go the extra mile with them - for mine, when we were there, there were favourite meals cooked, visits to the park, picnics and walks with the dog - even when it hurt you or you were tired, you still did it. You're a living example of dogged determination - and that determination is what is going to get you through this. You're not going to let this beat you, not if you can help it, dammit. I know you. You want your life back and if you have any say in it, you will get it back. No-one tells Liz that she can't do something, right Mum? Right!
Monday, March 15, 2010
I want to throw my books on the floor and storm out
Today I wanted to yell, at anything. Everything's so frustrating at the moment. The internet service is crap - I can't get a decent stable connection so watching any sort of video is out of the question. I can barely check my mail. I'm writing this offline and will publish it in the few seconds I get when I'm connected.
Bad energy, that's what ex says. Fuck him and his bad energy. The crappy internet connection is bad for him too - really bad because it means he can't do his work. And that's bad because no work means no money coming in. Yesterday my MIL and I were walking around the markets and she was saying something like "he can't go to KL to get work because whose going to hire someone in their 40's so he might as well stick it out here and try to make what he has work" I told her that's fine if he can but it seems that he can't so he should look at other (any other) opportunities because the truth is, the real truth is that he can't support his family. It's true. He doesn't make enough to support us. I don't either, but I shouldn't have to. You want me to support us, send me and the kids home and I'll show you what I can do. Oh how I'd love to say that.
But no, I can't rock the boat like that, not yet.
21 months to go before I can.
Bad energy, that's what ex says. Fuck him and his bad energy. The crappy internet connection is bad for him too - really bad because it means he can't do his work. And that's bad because no work means no money coming in. Yesterday my MIL and I were walking around the markets and she was saying something like "he can't go to KL to get work because whose going to hire someone in their 40's so he might as well stick it out here and try to make what he has work" I told her that's fine if he can but it seems that he can't so he should look at other (any other) opportunities because the truth is, the real truth is that he can't support his family. It's true. He doesn't make enough to support us. I don't either, but I shouldn't have to. You want me to support us, send me and the kids home and I'll show you what I can do. Oh how I'd love to say that.
But no, I can't rock the boat like that, not yet.
21 months to go before I can.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Finally time to sit and write and think and ....
With the internet problem still continuing but knowing it's not my fault, the frustration has started to subside and I am once again able to focus on getting my thoughts out of my head. I really started to think it was just me because everytime (and I mean EVERY time) I sat down to browse, read and write, I'd be disconnected almost immediately. Ex didn't help matters when he said "bad Karma" one time when I sat in front of the computer.
I guess I could write my thoughts down in a journal when I can't get online, but for some reason (probably the fact that I feel more connected here because of the feedback), I can't seem to find the motivation to write and the words don't come as easily. And my thought have a path here - it's been over two years since I started this blog and what a sanity-saving journey it's been.
My mum is well and truly on the mend now and gets to go home today. She'll be so happy, I wish I was there with her. I gave ex a heads up that I might go and see mum by myself for a couple of weeks, you know to help them cook and clean and provide support for mum. All ex heard was that I would go over if they needed me to cook for them and he came out with "Geez, flying all that way just to cook" - compassionate man that he is. And it's strange because he tells me that whenever he gets angry with the best friend who dumped him a few weeks ago, he tells himself "don't be angry, be compassionate. [Friend] probably has other issues." I wish I could get a little bit of that, except that I think I must have used up all my share over the years we were married (though I don't remember it that much). Whatever, I'll make the decision that's best for me and mum and just put his comments aside.
One of the things I've noticed since he's at home more is that when he talks to me now, it's not much different from when we were married. And the feelings I experience are the same. However, the difference is that now I can keep them under control because I know I don't have to follow what he says. It's just an opinion after all, whereas before it seemed like a directive - and because I couldn't follow the directive (much as I tried) it made me feel like I was at fault - all the time. It seemed that he was somehow this person who had it all together and knew best and so I should follow what he said. What a crock of shit that was!
Ex came in again for a chat yesterday, in the morning I think it was. He spoke about the things he's learning and thinking about from the motivational speakers he listens to on his phone. He downloads this stuff from the internet. I know I've sort of stopped paying attention to what he's saying because I really can't report on what he said - something about finding what you want to do and then developing a passion for it and then planning the steps and doing it. And you've got to have realistic goals. Sounds simple doesn't it, but I guess for a person coming out of a deep depression like he is, maybe not. He said at the moment he's a bit scattered and lost so he's listening to these people to try to get himself back on track. I'd love the chance to get him back on track. He'd be out pounding the pavement convincing clients to advertise on his site and then in the mornings, I'd have him programming to put the ads up on the site. Then I'd send him to KL on the weekends to network with people so that he could convince them that they needed him to do a web site for them. He could do programme web sites at night and in the early hours of the morning when he can't sleep. I'd have him working his arse off.
Sometimes I think his problem is that he has no-one to answer to - only himself and that isn't enough to motivate him. I just really don't know what to say to him anymore, so when he does talk, I comment little and nod my head alot. I guess he comes in because everytime I meltdown I tell him that talking to me helps. He told me he doesn't like coming in and talking to me. I think I'll tell him that he doesn't need to anymore - the universe knows that I've burdened him enough (or so he would make me think) - except that when I meltdown it does help. He can't win, can he?
*
The kids are happy that school holidays have started. School is tough this year. There's more work and it's harder. In Maths, daughter is multiplying simple fractions - I'm not sure, but I don't remember learning about fractions until grade 6 - I could be wrong. It seems awfully hard though. However, that works in my favour. This week she told me she'd like to study in Australia. I was glad she told me but I think I just mumbled some reply about getting her through standard 4 first. And my son snuck in a comment the other night during one of our chats. He was telling me how much work standard two is (it's not that much really) and he said quietly "Well, I think Australia might be better". We're not talking to them about the future just yet and that's a whole other matter on it's own - argghh not looking forward to that. But it's good to know that they are aware that a choice exists. I don't talk about school in Australia much because it unsettles them. However, I answer simply and am very matter of fact when they do ask about it (ie do they use a cane in Australia? Me: no, they don't, but they do have other punishments if you do the wrong thing.)
Oh, how I wish we were able to go home. I know it won't be easy, just like this is not easy, but at least at home, I can move on. I'm tired of biding my time. I could get my taxes sorted. Start working, start saving for my own place, help my parents, help my sister when she needs it and get the kids out and doing lots of other things besides homework. I'll just have to wait though.
I secretly wonder if I'd ever really have the guts to tell ex what I really think of what he's doing and then to just leave with both kids. I don't think I have it in me though, oh how I wish I did.
I guess I could write my thoughts down in a journal when I can't get online, but for some reason (probably the fact that I feel more connected here because of the feedback), I can't seem to find the motivation to write and the words don't come as easily. And my thought have a path here - it's been over two years since I started this blog and what a sanity-saving journey it's been.
My mum is well and truly on the mend now and gets to go home today. She'll be so happy, I wish I was there with her. I gave ex a heads up that I might go and see mum by myself for a couple of weeks, you know to help them cook and clean and provide support for mum. All ex heard was that I would go over if they needed me to cook for them and he came out with "Geez, flying all that way just to cook" - compassionate man that he is. And it's strange because he tells me that whenever he gets angry with the best friend who dumped him a few weeks ago, he tells himself "don't be angry, be compassionate. [Friend] probably has other issues." I wish I could get a little bit of that, except that I think I must have used up all my share over the years we were married (though I don't remember it that much). Whatever, I'll make the decision that's best for me and mum and just put his comments aside.
One of the things I've noticed since he's at home more is that when he talks to me now, it's not much different from when we were married. And the feelings I experience are the same. However, the difference is that now I can keep them under control because I know I don't have to follow what he says. It's just an opinion after all, whereas before it seemed like a directive - and because I couldn't follow the directive (much as I tried) it made me feel like I was at fault - all the time. It seemed that he was somehow this person who had it all together and knew best and so I should follow what he said. What a crock of shit that was!
Ex came in again for a chat yesterday, in the morning I think it was. He spoke about the things he's learning and thinking about from the motivational speakers he listens to on his phone. He downloads this stuff from the internet. I know I've sort of stopped paying attention to what he's saying because I really can't report on what he said - something about finding what you want to do and then developing a passion for it and then planning the steps and doing it. And you've got to have realistic goals. Sounds simple doesn't it, but I guess for a person coming out of a deep depression like he is, maybe not. He said at the moment he's a bit scattered and lost so he's listening to these people to try to get himself back on track. I'd love the chance to get him back on track. He'd be out pounding the pavement convincing clients to advertise on his site and then in the mornings, I'd have him programming to put the ads up on the site. Then I'd send him to KL on the weekends to network with people so that he could convince them that they needed him to do a web site for them. He could do programme web sites at night and in the early hours of the morning when he can't sleep. I'd have him working his arse off.
Sometimes I think his problem is that he has no-one to answer to - only himself and that isn't enough to motivate him. I just really don't know what to say to him anymore, so when he does talk, I comment little and nod my head alot. I guess he comes in because everytime I meltdown I tell him that talking to me helps. He told me he doesn't like coming in and talking to me. I think I'll tell him that he doesn't need to anymore - the universe knows that I've burdened him enough (or so he would make me think) - except that when I meltdown it does help. He can't win, can he?
*
The kids are happy that school holidays have started. School is tough this year. There's more work and it's harder. In Maths, daughter is multiplying simple fractions - I'm not sure, but I don't remember learning about fractions until grade 6 - I could be wrong. It seems awfully hard though. However, that works in my favour. This week she told me she'd like to study in Australia. I was glad she told me but I think I just mumbled some reply about getting her through standard 4 first. And my son snuck in a comment the other night during one of our chats. He was telling me how much work standard two is (it's not that much really) and he said quietly "Well, I think Australia might be better". We're not talking to them about the future just yet and that's a whole other matter on it's own - argghh not looking forward to that. But it's good to know that they are aware that a choice exists. I don't talk about school in Australia much because it unsettles them. However, I answer simply and am very matter of fact when they do ask about it (ie do they use a cane in Australia? Me: no, they don't, but they do have other punishments if you do the wrong thing.)
Oh, how I wish we were able to go home. I know it won't be easy, just like this is not easy, but at least at home, I can move on. I'm tired of biding my time. I could get my taxes sorted. Start working, start saving for my own place, help my parents, help my sister when she needs it and get the kids out and doing lots of other things besides homework. I'll just have to wait though.
I secretly wonder if I'd ever really have the guts to tell ex what I really think of what he's doing and then to just leave with both kids. I don't think I have it in me though, oh how I wish I did.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Past week is the past
Well, here I am, connected for another five minutes before I'm disconnected again. Frustration has been the dominant feeling this week. Of course, if I was living in the present as Tolle suggests we should, I wouldn't be having the week I've had. I clearly need to read and remember more.
Ex is living in the moment and doing gloriously well for himself. Nothing seems to shake his new found happy demeanor. I know what it's like to be there, I've been there (and back down again) and it's a place I wish I could be all the time, but I find it incredibly difficult to break free of the bonds my ego has on me. I will keep on working at it.
The common theme running through the last week or even two, has been the lack of control I've felt that I have over my life at the moment. Mum is sick and I can't help her. Of course I want to jump on the next plane and be there for her, while she's in hospital, but really there's not much that I can practically do. Perhaps when she's out (another month) then I might go over. Even then, the most amount of time I'd want to be away for without the kids is two weeks. And then there's the money side of things. I can afford a ticket now (AUD 600 with Emirates from KL - great price) but in a month's time, it's going to cost twice that amount.
Then there's been the internet thing where I can't seem to stay connected for more than a few minutes at a time.
Shit. Out of time again.
Ex is living in the moment and doing gloriously well for himself. Nothing seems to shake his new found happy demeanor. I know what it's like to be there, I've been there (and back down again) and it's a place I wish I could be all the time, but I find it incredibly difficult to break free of the bonds my ego has on me. I will keep on working at it.
The common theme running through the last week or even two, has been the lack of control I've felt that I have over my life at the moment. Mum is sick and I can't help her. Of course I want to jump on the next plane and be there for her, while she's in hospital, but really there's not much that I can practically do. Perhaps when she's out (another month) then I might go over. Even then, the most amount of time I'd want to be away for without the kids is two weeks. And then there's the money side of things. I can afford a ticket now (AUD 600 with Emirates from KL - great price) but in a month's time, it's going to cost twice that amount.
Then there's been the internet thing where I can't seem to stay connected for more than a few minutes at a time.
Shit. Out of time again.
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